Just trying to help

I have an article coming out soon called "Sinning Against Singles" that elaborates on how individuals and the community at large sin against singles in ways that are obvious and not so obvious. In general, the faulty and negative attitudes people have toward singles, and the comments they make which unwittingly reflect this, often far outweigh their attempts to "help".

Yesterday I announced an upcoming ETM Shabbaton in Israel, and a well-meaning woman forwarded it around (trying to help) with the following message (not helpful): "Do you know any older single people to go to this shabbaton?"

We engaged in the following correspondence. I've highlighted the remarks that are unwittingly offensive and reflect very faulty attitudes that will cause more harm than good in her efforts to "help" singles, following by my remarks in italics (these were not included in the correspondence):

CTW: I don't understand this email you sent me. The age range is up to 35.

Plonis: I was trying to help you - you posted this up to 35 is older singles to me.
is that what you dont understand? (I thought I would get a thankyou, sorry if I interfered)

CTW: At what age is a single old in your opinion?

Plonis: I said 'older' not 'old'. I'm referring to post highschool/yeshiva/army singles I suppose. I realize that perhaps it might be considered offensive and I'm sorry, but I sent this out to my friends hoping they have that person who is still searching (as opposed to just starting to search). I dont think the 19/20 yr olds (males) need to go to something like this. Let the 'older' young men and women have a chance to find their beshert. I would say 'older' means 25 and up? [It's not your place to decide at what age people should have an opportunity to meet someone, as if this is triage of sorts. If the 19/20 year olds are ready to get married, and they are fortunate enough to meet someone while they are so young, all the better. Limiting their opportunities in favor of others only increases the likelihood that they will become "older singles".]

Chananya, it is done so please forgive me. What other term would you have suggested.
We do what we can to help singles and I find that "older' singles get a bit too touchy about their status. [I can only imagine why!]

I was 30 when I finally married, and had a horrible time finding "the one" - and have been married for 26 years B"H - so I AM GRATEFULL for having had the opportunity. All you singles s/b hopeful and grateful for the opportunity as well. [Rather preachy and condescending] good luck

CTW: Everyone is older than someone else.

I would have recommended just forwarding it as is and letting people decide for themselves if they are appropriate to attend. This is also not an event for people who are desperate and need a chance to find their bashert. People who put that kind of pressure on the event will not have a good time or be good company, and I would prefer they not attend, regardless of how old they are.

I've attached an article of mine that you might find interesting, if not helpful.

Thanks for passing the word along about the event.