A Tribute from the Shuk Curmudgeon

If you are one of the following people, you get a special discount in the Machane Yehuda Shuk. Or so you would think from the great numbers of them crowding the market. Forthwith, a tribute of sorts to them.

Old people walking very slowly, often accompanied by a shopping cart that swerves to block all those who attempt to pass. I like old people. I think they should be let out now and then. Like Tuesday mornings. Not Friday afternoon in the shuk.

Tourist standing around taking pictures of fruit and fresh fish. Apparently these people come from places that do not have such things. I suggest going to Stop & Shop and take your pictures there. Then you will not be in my way.

Do you see those other tourists with their cameras and dorky outfits? Why are you so careful to take pictures in which other tourists are not obstructing the fruit? Because those tourists are really not that interesting and you don't wish to see them again? Well that is how I feel about you.

Lady with baby carriage! Lady with double baby carriage! Do you realize that you are blocking the entire way? Just checking.

Lady with children who are playing on the ground! They are in everyone's way. They are causing a bottleneck as people swerve to avoid stepping on them. Some of these people are instead stepping on me. Who authorized you to have children, let alone bring them here on a Friday afternoon to disturb everyone? Do you think this is a shul? Show some respect!

You there, walking your bicycle! Do you think you are doing something good for the environment by riding here on your bicycle and then walking it through a throng of people? You sure aren't doing any favors for THIS environment. You should go over to that girl who brought her elephant-sized dog to the shuk today. You have a lot in common. You both take up too much space and make me sick.

No, I don't want a piece of halva. I want you to get out my way!

Hey, lady! Do you really have to block the entire pile of plums while you take forever to count your change, gather your belongings, and move on? Can't you do exactly the same thing a little off to the side so someone else can also make a purchase?

Speaking of making a purchase, typical Israeli shuk man, you screamed to the world that we absolutely had to come take a look at your apples, which are supposedly better than everyone else's apples, yet cheaper too. I thought I would humor you, because that's the sort of fellow I am. Now I am ready to pay for the apples, but you are not even acknowledging me, let alone taking my money. What is wrong with you? You got what you wanted. You hooked me in. You made the sale. But now you are in your own little world, completely disinterested in actually consummating the deal. You make people want you, and then you play hard to get? Is this all some kind of sick game to you?

I will concede that 5 shekels for 10 pitas is a good deal, but you don't have to shout at me.

All you people yammering on your cell phones as you block pedestrians and bounce off them like a pinball gone mad...I have no witty line that adequately addresses you. You are outside the pale.

Same goes for you clusters of people standing around having social conversations smack in the middle of traffic. Have you no manners? Have you no shame? Have you no awareness of the existence and needs of anyone with the misfortune to have the trajectory of his life intersect with yours in the middle of the shuk? Clearly not.

Little seminary girls thinking you own the place. Laughing it up. Showing off the four Hebrew words you know. Totally unaware that no Israeli refers to the Central Bus Station as "The Tachana" and that you sound like a moron every time you say that. Totally unaware that you say "like" so obsessively that you need treatment. It used to be a novelty to have you here. But not hundreds and thousands of you. Don't any of you yeshiva students actually, like, you know, LEARN anymore?

You there, yes you, lady, smack in the middle of Broadway! If you weren't humongous, it would be enough for us. If you didn't take up all 3 pedestrian lanes by positioning yourself just so, making it impossible to pass you, it would be enough for us. If you didn't have two rear ends, it would be enough for us. If your two rear ends didn't swing back and forth, making it treacherous for all decent folk to even consider passing you, it would be enough for us. And if you didn't keep stopping and standing still for no reason, but just kept moving, however slowly, it would be enough for us.

How much more so that you are humongous, you take up all 3 pedestrian lanes, you have two rear ends, your two rear ends swing back and forth, and you keep standing still. Dayenu.

No, I don't want a slice of tangerine.

Wait a second, is that seedless? On second thought, I'll take two.

Hey Arab guy pushing a huge wheeling thing right through the shuk! This street isn't big enough for us to coexist. I can't give you one single inch.

And here's another guy pushing a huge wheeling thing full of garbage! Hey, you missed a piece!

And here we have an Israeli guy singing an ode to the strawberries he is selling: "Strawberries, strawberries! Also cheap and also nice!" You have quite a future ahead of you. Selling strawberries in the shuk.

I propose to the management of the shuk that they take measures to eliminate the suffocating crowds of people who make the shopping experience insufferable. Maybe an express lane...or a slow lane...or a special lane for efficient shoppers who are mindful of others.

For that is me. And, with proper training, perhaps thee.