In the last 24 hours I had at least 3 encounters with Israeli society that underscore the fact that everyone here is a commentator, and your business is everyone's business. Those who only visit Israel find this charming and endearing. Those who have lived here a short time find it annoying, even infuriating. Those who live here a long time come to accept it and largely ignore it. After all, if the average Israeli acts like he thinks he is a member of my family, I can employ my years of experience ignoring family members when they do something annoying.
1) Yesterday I went to a supermarket intending to buy some things, but wound up only getting two items. I went to the inappropriately named express line (10 items or less) with my two items in a shopping cart. There were four people ahead of me, including three older women. The cashier was engaged in an argument with the person checking out, and the women were chiming in. I'm not sure what they were arguing about, but then again, it's possible they weren't sure what they were arguing about, either. Suddenly the cashier spotted me in the back of the line with a shopping cart and yelled at me that the line was only for those with ten items or less. I replied that I only had two items, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth the three women started screaming back at the cashier on my behalf. This went on for several minutes as the security guard looked on with a bemused smile from his seat at the exit. All in a day's work.
2) Today on the bus a mentally ill old man I have seen before got on and complained that an old woman's shopping cart was in his way in the aisle. It was not -- there was plenty of room for him to pass. Nevertheless, the woman folded it up, leaving about 85% of the aisle available for him to pass. He continued to make loud noises and gesture angrily (he seemed incapable of speech). The woman kept saying there was room for him to pass, but also pulled the cart as close to her as possible until he finally passed. Then the woman proceeded to engage all those around her in a loud defense of herself. Mind you, no one criticized the woman, and people reassured her that the man was not well and she did nothing wrong. Nevertheless, she continued to adamantly defend herself, just to be sure. She must have once represented Israel at the UN.
3) I was standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change and twice a gust of wind almost knocked off my yarmulka. A guy waiting next to me also had to grab his yarmulka. He then remarked to me that we didn't have enough hair to keep it clipped on tightly. That's not exactly what I needed to hear to brighten up my day, and really not something you should tell someone on a first date.
G'mar Chasima Tova.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Another sign the world is coming to an end
This morning in shul there was a boy wearing a yarmulka with the idolatrous "Long live the king Messiah..." AND a Yankees NY logo.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Change Questionnaire
http://5tjt.com/featured-news/10504-a-change-questionnaire
I was recently asked, in an interview about the shidduch world, if I have seen progress in the community in the nearly nine years since starting EndTheMadness. I replied that, in my opinion, things have actually gotten worse during that time (much to the surprise of the secular interviewer). Sure, the community has definitely become more aware of the existence of a great problem and more sensitive about certain facets of the problem, but overall the community has remained almost entirely unwilling to face up to the real issues and embrace the right approach. As a result, the community has become nine years more entrenched in faulty ideas, and has a new generation of singles that was educated in the problem as opposed to the solution.
Perhaps after all this time some people will be willing to step back and take honest stock of where things stand and where they may be headed if things continue on their present course. If we are still having the same lamentable discussion about the shidduch world as we did a decade ago, then perhaps some people will acknowledge that all those exciting initiatives that merely repackaged micro-controlled shidduch dating have failed. After all, have they not had more than enough time to make the “shidduch crisis” a thing of the past? If we stand in the same place today—or worse—that we did 10 years ago, then why would anyone continue on the same path?
I invite readers to take the following questionnaire to help determine what changes they wish to see in the shidduch world, and whether their present attitude makes those changes at all realistic. After all, singles are frequently admonished to have realistic expectations. That goes for the community as well.
1. You don’t like the petty, intrusive, and degrading questions asked about singles and their families. Are you willing to give mussar to those who ask these questions of you? Are you willing to honestly reconsider whether some of the questions you ask are inappropriate, and modify your own behavior accordingly?
2. You think matchmakers should spend more time getting to know singles as real human beings, not as superficial facts and figures on a notepad. In your own involvement, be it as a single, a parent, or other concerned individual, do you describe singles strictly in such clichéd terms? If so, are you willing to change that? Or do you just want others to change that?
3. You think there aren’t enough social opportunities for singles to meet on their own. Are you willing to create more such opportunities? Are you willing to bring this up at the next board meeting and see it through? Or are you just waiting for it to happen on its own?
4. You think labels put people in a box, obfuscate communication, divide the community, and don’t even help besides. Are you willing to stop using them?
5. You think it would be nice if singles could sit together at the wedding meal of their friends, just as they did a generation ago. It would undoubtedly lead to more matches, naturally and pleasantly. Are you willing to have mixed seating at your next simcha, even if others object to the idea?
6. You think a “professional” by definition is someone who has undergone professional training in a given field and is held accountable to professional standards. Are you willing to stop referring to matchmakers who do not qualify as professionals?
7. Ladies: You don’t like it when men objectify you based on your weight and your body. You want to be appreciated for your character, personality, virtues, and inner beauty. Are you willing to stop objectifying men based on their height and occupation? Are you willing to stop rejecting men out of hand for superficial reasons that have nothing to do with whether they will make worthy husbands and fathers?
8. Singles: You don’t like the fact that many married people are oblivious to the needs of singles and are often grossly insensitive. Are you willing to commit to being forever attuned to the needs of singles and sensitive toward them after you get married? Or are you going to drift away from your single friends shortly after you get married and then start to look down on those who are still single as inferior to you for not sharing your good fortune? Do you care a great deal about the shidduch world only so long as it directly and immediately affects you? If so, do you really care at all?
9. Married people: Do you think singles beyond a certain age are probably seriously defective in some way that is holding them back from getting married and that they should seek professional help? Are you willing to consider the possibility that you are being unfairly judgmental, blaming the victim, and even influencing perfectly normal people to drive themselves crazy fixing something that isn’t broken? Also, do you seek professional help for your various unrealized dreams and hold yourself to blame for them?
10. You think rabbis and other community leaders should speak more about the issues and get more personally involved. Are you willing to voice your own opinion about the issues and get personally involved, even if that means taking some criticism? Or do you want to just write a check to support some dubious initiative and then look the other way?
11. You think “shidduch résumés” and singles profiles are nauseatingly superficial, uniform, dehumanizing, and generally useless besides. You think they only perpetuate a culture of fear and conformity, and are part of a perverse culture in which people try to stand out while simultaneously trying to be as parve and uncontroversial as possible. You think this runs entirely counter to proper Torah values, aside from being unhealthy and encouraging shidduchim based on wrong or irrelevant criteria.
If you are single and feel this way, are you willing to stop playing this game?
12. You believe shidduchim come from G-d. If so, are you willing to be entirely honest and genuine in the shidduch world? Are you willing to do what you know is right and true for you on an individual level, even if that means bucking the trend? If not, do you really believe shidduchim come from G-d? Do you believe G-d wants you to engage in “hishtadlus” that is backwards, unhealthy, and even immoral, even if that’s what “everyone else is doing”? If so, how do you reconcile this with a wealth of Torah teachings to the contrary?
13. You think the Jewish community should support the honest exchange of ideas. You also think singles should portray themselves for who they really are, so that dating will be a more honest and effective process, and so that people will find suitors who appreciate them for who they truly are. Are you willing to stand behind your own ideas with your real name, or do you have to remain anonymous every time you voice something that someone out there might disagree with? Does your religious practice consist more of superficial displays of conformity to social expectations than true spiritual commitment? Do you perpetuate such practices in your own family so that you “fit in”? Are you ever willing to do something unpopular in your community because you know that’s what
G-d really wants? Do you want singles to be true to themselves and others, yet your own life is largely just an act?
14. Rabbis: You think much of what goes on in the shidduch world runs counter to fundamental Torah principles. Are you willing to give a series of hard-hitting lectures that cut to the core of what’s wrong and what needs to be done, even if not everyone will love you for it? Or do you think drashos that make vague, general points and avoid controversy will be enough for people to get the idea? (Is that why you wanted to become a rabbi back in the day?)
15. Matchmakers: You think singles should generally go out on at least two or three dates so they can get to know the other person and not form opinions about them too quickly. Are you willing to extend singles the same courtesy and take the time to get to know them on a substantive level?
16. Matchmakers: You think singles should be willing to change, often fundamentally. Are you? Are you willing to even consider the possibility that your methods of matching are highly flawed, and change accordingly?
17. Everyone: Are you willing to consider the possibility that the community’s entire approach to the shidduch world needs an overhaul, and that minor tinkering will not be nearly enough? If not, why do you think minor tinkering will solve what you believe is a crisis?
18. You want everyone else to give up their shtick. Are you willing to give up yours?
19. You want things to change. Are you willing to do anything to change them? Or do you want to make a variety of excuses, complain, cling to false hope, and thereby perpetuate the likelihood that what you want will never happen?
20. Are you willing to write a letter to the editor with your real name and describe specifically what you are willing to change in your own life to help bring about the changes you want to see in the shidduch world?
Or do you want to have this same conversation 10 years from now?
I was recently asked, in an interview about the shidduch world, if I have seen progress in the community in the nearly nine years since starting EndTheMadness. I replied that, in my opinion, things have actually gotten worse during that time (much to the surprise of the secular interviewer). Sure, the community has definitely become more aware of the existence of a great problem and more sensitive about certain facets of the problem, but overall the community has remained almost entirely unwilling to face up to the real issues and embrace the right approach. As a result, the community has become nine years more entrenched in faulty ideas, and has a new generation of singles that was educated in the problem as opposed to the solution.
Perhaps after all this time some people will be willing to step back and take honest stock of where things stand and where they may be headed if things continue on their present course. If we are still having the same lamentable discussion about the shidduch world as we did a decade ago, then perhaps some people will acknowledge that all those exciting initiatives that merely repackaged micro-controlled shidduch dating have failed. After all, have they not had more than enough time to make the “shidduch crisis” a thing of the past? If we stand in the same place today—or worse—that we did 10 years ago, then why would anyone continue on the same path?
I invite readers to take the following questionnaire to help determine what changes they wish to see in the shidduch world, and whether their present attitude makes those changes at all realistic. After all, singles are frequently admonished to have realistic expectations. That goes for the community as well.
1. You don’t like the petty, intrusive, and degrading questions asked about singles and their families. Are you willing to give mussar to those who ask these questions of you? Are you willing to honestly reconsider whether some of the questions you ask are inappropriate, and modify your own behavior accordingly?
2. You think matchmakers should spend more time getting to know singles as real human beings, not as superficial facts and figures on a notepad. In your own involvement, be it as a single, a parent, or other concerned individual, do you describe singles strictly in such clichéd terms? If so, are you willing to change that? Or do you just want others to change that?
3. You think there aren’t enough social opportunities for singles to meet on their own. Are you willing to create more such opportunities? Are you willing to bring this up at the next board meeting and see it through? Or are you just waiting for it to happen on its own?
4. You think labels put people in a box, obfuscate communication, divide the community, and don’t even help besides. Are you willing to stop using them?
5. You think it would be nice if singles could sit together at the wedding meal of their friends, just as they did a generation ago. It would undoubtedly lead to more matches, naturally and pleasantly. Are you willing to have mixed seating at your next simcha, even if others object to the idea?
6. You think a “professional” by definition is someone who has undergone professional training in a given field and is held accountable to professional standards. Are you willing to stop referring to matchmakers who do not qualify as professionals?
7. Ladies: You don’t like it when men objectify you based on your weight and your body. You want to be appreciated for your character, personality, virtues, and inner beauty. Are you willing to stop objectifying men based on their height and occupation? Are you willing to stop rejecting men out of hand for superficial reasons that have nothing to do with whether they will make worthy husbands and fathers?
8. Singles: You don’t like the fact that many married people are oblivious to the needs of singles and are often grossly insensitive. Are you willing to commit to being forever attuned to the needs of singles and sensitive toward them after you get married? Or are you going to drift away from your single friends shortly after you get married and then start to look down on those who are still single as inferior to you for not sharing your good fortune? Do you care a great deal about the shidduch world only so long as it directly and immediately affects you? If so, do you really care at all?
9. Married people: Do you think singles beyond a certain age are probably seriously defective in some way that is holding them back from getting married and that they should seek professional help? Are you willing to consider the possibility that you are being unfairly judgmental, blaming the victim, and even influencing perfectly normal people to drive themselves crazy fixing something that isn’t broken? Also, do you seek professional help for your various unrealized dreams and hold yourself to blame for them?
10. You think rabbis and other community leaders should speak more about the issues and get more personally involved. Are you willing to voice your own opinion about the issues and get personally involved, even if that means taking some criticism? Or do you want to just write a check to support some dubious initiative and then look the other way?
11. You think “shidduch résumés” and singles profiles are nauseatingly superficial, uniform, dehumanizing, and generally useless besides. You think they only perpetuate a culture of fear and conformity, and are part of a perverse culture in which people try to stand out while simultaneously trying to be as parve and uncontroversial as possible. You think this runs entirely counter to proper Torah values, aside from being unhealthy and encouraging shidduchim based on wrong or irrelevant criteria.
If you are single and feel this way, are you willing to stop playing this game?
12. You believe shidduchim come from G-d. If so, are you willing to be entirely honest and genuine in the shidduch world? Are you willing to do what you know is right and true for you on an individual level, even if that means bucking the trend? If not, do you really believe shidduchim come from G-d? Do you believe G-d wants you to engage in “hishtadlus” that is backwards, unhealthy, and even immoral, even if that’s what “everyone else is doing”? If so, how do you reconcile this with a wealth of Torah teachings to the contrary?
13. You think the Jewish community should support the honest exchange of ideas. You also think singles should portray themselves for who they really are, so that dating will be a more honest and effective process, and so that people will find suitors who appreciate them for who they truly are. Are you willing to stand behind your own ideas with your real name, or do you have to remain anonymous every time you voice something that someone out there might disagree with? Does your religious practice consist more of superficial displays of conformity to social expectations than true spiritual commitment? Do you perpetuate such practices in your own family so that you “fit in”? Are you ever willing to do something unpopular in your community because you know that’s what
G-d really wants? Do you want singles to be true to themselves and others, yet your own life is largely just an act?
14. Rabbis: You think much of what goes on in the shidduch world runs counter to fundamental Torah principles. Are you willing to give a series of hard-hitting lectures that cut to the core of what’s wrong and what needs to be done, even if not everyone will love you for it? Or do you think drashos that make vague, general points and avoid controversy will be enough for people to get the idea? (Is that why you wanted to become a rabbi back in the day?)
15. Matchmakers: You think singles should generally go out on at least two or three dates so they can get to know the other person and not form opinions about them too quickly. Are you willing to extend singles the same courtesy and take the time to get to know them on a substantive level?
16. Matchmakers: You think singles should be willing to change, often fundamentally. Are you? Are you willing to even consider the possibility that your methods of matching are highly flawed, and change accordingly?
17. Everyone: Are you willing to consider the possibility that the community’s entire approach to the shidduch world needs an overhaul, and that minor tinkering will not be nearly enough? If not, why do you think minor tinkering will solve what you believe is a crisis?
18. You want everyone else to give up their shtick. Are you willing to give up yours?
19. You want things to change. Are you willing to do anything to change them? Or do you want to make a variety of excuses, complain, cling to false hope, and thereby perpetuate the likelihood that what you want will never happen?
20. Are you willing to write a letter to the editor with your real name and describe specifically what you are willing to change in your own life to help bring about the changes you want to see in the shidduch world?
Or do you want to have this same conversation 10 years from now?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Futility of Matchmaking
I've always respected Rabbi Josh Yuter as a clear, sharp thinker who expresses himself articulately. He recently posted about his frustrating years as a member of Saw You At Sinai:
http://joshyuter.com/2011/03/22/judaism/jewish-culture/jewish-dating/the-statistics-of-shidduchim-a-case-study-in-futility/
Of course, Yuter's post is only one man's experience, and there are countless possible explanations for why any one person's experience isn't representative of the general reality. Nay-sayers can posit that his experience of futility is entirely of his own doing for one reason or another, and there's no way we can disprove that any more than the nay-sayers can prove their cynical claims. So we'll just have to side with whoever makes the most sense. I'm comfortable with that.
It would be terrific if thousands more people like Yuter would share similar information. But considering how few among us can even post an opinion under their real name, since having an opinion and a real identity is apparently bad for shidduch purposes, we shouldn't expect more samples of data anytime soon.
Besides, I have yet to see an analysis of the shidduch world that doesn't depend almost entirely on anecdotal evidence, speculation, and extrapolation of large theories from relatively small and unscientific samples of data. Consider the following dubious opinions we often hear stated as indisputable facts:
"There is no real crisis. People are getting married all the time."
"There is no crisis in the charedi/yeshivish/chassidish/other community. It's only in the ____ community that there is a problem, and it's because [insert reason why we look down on them]."
"The problem is that singles are too picky."
"We just need everyone to think of everyone they know and try to set them up."
"There are far more single women than men."
"The single women are fantastic, but it's hard to find even a passable guy."
Here are some observations and comments based on Yuter's post:
1) I have often written that the numbers promoted by the dating sites themselves provide strong evidence of their futility. As I write this, SYAS boasts 597 matches. They concurrently boast an "extensive database" of 30,000 singles. The site has been running since 2003. So, in 8 years, the site has been successful for 1194 members. That is less than 4% of the CURRENT membership. We can only speculate how many people in all have tried the site and left over the years -- probably the current membership many times over. Based on this information alone, which is provided by the site itself in the form of marketing, the site is spectacularly unsuccessful, and the average member would have to use the site for several lifetimes to have a reasonable chance of success. The numbers from other Jewish dating sites are no more impressive.
2) Yuter received 711 suggestions in 4.5 years as an active member. That's 158 a year, more than 10 a month, and only 28 actual first dates and nothing of consequence to show for it. We don't know how much of this was his own "fault" (I doubt any more than that of the average member). But if these numbers are at all representative, and we combine them with the site's "success" numbers, the average suggestion has such a small chance of succeeding that you'd be better off just making cold calls from a Jewish telephone directory or asking out random people on the street.
Let's take it one step further. Let's assume the average member received 150 suggestions a year. 30,000 members would then receive 4.5 million suggestions a year. Multiply that by 8 years and there would be 36 million suggestions. 1194 members were matched in that time. Each individual suggested match by a shadchan has such a low percentage of leading to a marriage that my calculator got an error trying to figure it out.
I love to posit that a monkey could do just as well as the average shadchan, and based on these highly plausible numbers, would you really bet on the average shadchan in a head-to-head competition?
3) I have long gone against the propaganda that there are significantly more single women than men and that we just need to manipulate men to marry women the same age or older (the proponents of which have been silent for a couple of years now, fading into the oblivion I predicted for them when they were at their apex, surely to emerge at some point with another dopey idea). I have also challenged those who claim that "there are so many great girls out there and not enough decent guys".
I have claimed that women are far quicker to reject a man, and will do so for a long list of trivial reasons that fly in the face of the presumed desperate state of women. My critics have countered that women are quick to reject men because most men are revolting and pathetic. Such a response only supports my assertion that the single women in our community deserve far less sympathy and far more of the responsibility for the situation than the single men. I would say more than 50% of it.
(My interest here is not in playing a blame game, but in shedding light on some of the faulty beliefs that have become accepted as indisputable facts in our community, and which lead to misguided actions to solve problems that don't even exist.)
Yuter reports that nearly 4 out 5 women that he agreed to be connected with on SYAS rejected him, and there is no way to know how many rejected him before he was even approached. The naysayers can claim that there is something so horrible about him (after all, he's a single Jewish male) that no self-respecting woman would consider him, but the naysayers don’t want to see the truth. If 4 out of 5 women are turning down a perfectly good guy that has already agreed to correspond with them, then I don't think we can entertain the possibility that single Jewish women are desperate to get married and can't find a decent guy. For all the talk we hear about the mythical lists of women single guys have just desperate to meet them, the women are doing the vast majority of the rejecting, and not for respectable reasons.
The community instead needs to start exploring if feminism and other foreign values have infiltrated the community to such an extent that Jewish women look down on men, feel they no longer need men, and are so comfortable in their single lives that they view men as more of a threat to their cozy existence than a potential partner in life that transcends all mundane considerations. Sure, women will join SYAS and go out on dates, if only to prove to themselves and others that they really do want to get married, but they will often then sabotage any possibility of it happening.
Are you telling me the age-gap theory makes more sense?
4) Finally, I continue to be amazed that so much futility can be promoted as so much success, that so many singles continue to cling to what offers them nothing in return (besides a monthly bill), and that the community still believes that random blind dates set up by matchmakers who get it right virtually never is the way to go. Maybe all this demonstrates that one more belief the community holds as an indisputable fact is questionable after all.
That Jews are especially smart.
http://joshyuter.com/2011/03/22/judaism/jewish-culture/jewish-dating/the-statistics-of-shidduchim-a-case-study-in-futility/
Of course, Yuter's post is only one man's experience, and there are countless possible explanations for why any one person's experience isn't representative of the general reality. Nay-sayers can posit that his experience of futility is entirely of his own doing for one reason or another, and there's no way we can disprove that any more than the nay-sayers can prove their cynical claims. So we'll just have to side with whoever makes the most sense. I'm comfortable with that.
It would be terrific if thousands more people like Yuter would share similar information. But considering how few among us can even post an opinion under their real name, since having an opinion and a real identity is apparently bad for shidduch purposes, we shouldn't expect more samples of data anytime soon.
Besides, I have yet to see an analysis of the shidduch world that doesn't depend almost entirely on anecdotal evidence, speculation, and extrapolation of large theories from relatively small and unscientific samples of data. Consider the following dubious opinions we often hear stated as indisputable facts:
"There is no real crisis. People are getting married all the time."
"There is no crisis in the charedi/yeshivish/chassidish/other community. It's only in the ____ community that there is a problem, and it's because [insert reason why we look down on them]."
"The problem is that singles are too picky."
"We just need everyone to think of everyone they know and try to set them up."
"There are far more single women than men."
"The single women are fantastic, but it's hard to find even a passable guy."
Here are some observations and comments based on Yuter's post:
1) I have often written that the numbers promoted by the dating sites themselves provide strong evidence of their futility. As I write this, SYAS boasts 597 matches. They concurrently boast an "extensive database" of 30,000 singles. The site has been running since 2003. So, in 8 years, the site has been successful for 1194 members. That is less than 4% of the CURRENT membership. We can only speculate how many people in all have tried the site and left over the years -- probably the current membership many times over. Based on this information alone, which is provided by the site itself in the form of marketing, the site is spectacularly unsuccessful, and the average member would have to use the site for several lifetimes to have a reasonable chance of success. The numbers from other Jewish dating sites are no more impressive.
2) Yuter received 711 suggestions in 4.5 years as an active member. That's 158 a year, more than 10 a month, and only 28 actual first dates and nothing of consequence to show for it. We don't know how much of this was his own "fault" (I doubt any more than that of the average member). But if these numbers are at all representative, and we combine them with the site's "success" numbers, the average suggestion has such a small chance of succeeding that you'd be better off just making cold calls from a Jewish telephone directory or asking out random people on the street.
Let's take it one step further. Let's assume the average member received 150 suggestions a year. 30,000 members would then receive 4.5 million suggestions a year. Multiply that by 8 years and there would be 36 million suggestions. 1194 members were matched in that time. Each individual suggested match by a shadchan has such a low percentage of leading to a marriage that my calculator got an error trying to figure it out.
I love to posit that a monkey could do just as well as the average shadchan, and based on these highly plausible numbers, would you really bet on the average shadchan in a head-to-head competition?
3) I have long gone against the propaganda that there are significantly more single women than men and that we just need to manipulate men to marry women the same age or older (the proponents of which have been silent for a couple of years now, fading into the oblivion I predicted for them when they were at their apex, surely to emerge at some point with another dopey idea). I have also challenged those who claim that "there are so many great girls out there and not enough decent guys".
I have claimed that women are far quicker to reject a man, and will do so for a long list of trivial reasons that fly in the face of the presumed desperate state of women. My critics have countered that women are quick to reject men because most men are revolting and pathetic. Such a response only supports my assertion that the single women in our community deserve far less sympathy and far more of the responsibility for the situation than the single men. I would say more than 50% of it.
(My interest here is not in playing a blame game, but in shedding light on some of the faulty beliefs that have become accepted as indisputable facts in our community, and which lead to misguided actions to solve problems that don't even exist.)
Yuter reports that nearly 4 out 5 women that he agreed to be connected with on SYAS rejected him, and there is no way to know how many rejected him before he was even approached. The naysayers can claim that there is something so horrible about him (after all, he's a single Jewish male) that no self-respecting woman would consider him, but the naysayers don’t want to see the truth. If 4 out of 5 women are turning down a perfectly good guy that has already agreed to correspond with them, then I don't think we can entertain the possibility that single Jewish women are desperate to get married and can't find a decent guy. For all the talk we hear about the mythical lists of women single guys have just desperate to meet them, the women are doing the vast majority of the rejecting, and not for respectable reasons.
The community instead needs to start exploring if feminism and other foreign values have infiltrated the community to such an extent that Jewish women look down on men, feel they no longer need men, and are so comfortable in their single lives that they view men as more of a threat to their cozy existence than a potential partner in life that transcends all mundane considerations. Sure, women will join SYAS and go out on dates, if only to prove to themselves and others that they really do want to get married, but they will often then sabotage any possibility of it happening.
Are you telling me the age-gap theory makes more sense?
4) Finally, I continue to be amazed that so much futility can be promoted as so much success, that so many singles continue to cling to what offers them nothing in return (besides a monthly bill), and that the community still believes that random blind dates set up by matchmakers who get it right virtually never is the way to go. Maybe all this demonstrates that one more belief the community holds as an indisputable fact is questionable after all.
That Jews are especially smart.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Our Stupid Leaders
A short time ago there was a bombing at a crowded area very close to the Jerusalem Central Bus Station. My father was boarding a bus only a few feet away from the explosion, and I was there 3 days ago. The relief at having closely missed the attack mixes with anger and sadness for the dozens of my fellow Jews who were not so fortunate.
Our "leaders" now march before the cameras and reporters to recite the usual script that would comprise a comedy if it weren't such a tragedy.
The following quotes come from the Jerusalem Post online:
"Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat...called the incident a "cowardly terrorist attack."
Actually, I think it takes a lot of guts to perpetrate a mass killing of this sort. What is cowardly is the usual "restrained" response. What is cowardly is having the capability to do more to protect your people but being afraid of criticism and the like.
"Most importantly, he said, is to return to your normal lives so that the terrorists don't think they can win."
As if the following conversation will take place between the next would-be Arab killers:
Look, Mohammed! The Jews are still riding the buses like normal! They are even still pushing each other to get on! Let's just forget about trying to kill them."
"Police Insp.-Gen. David Cohen said that the Israel Police and Jerusalem Police were as prepared for Wednesday's Jerusalem terror attack as they could be."
That's reassuring. Sounds like the terrorists won after all.
"Cohen said that he did not believe that the attack represented a move backwards towards the years of terror attacks"
What is it then, intrepid Police Inspector General?
"but said that the Israel and Jerusalem Police are fully prepared for any situation."
Apparently not.
"[Eli Yishai] added that "recent events require us to take action. If we don't do this we will lose our power of deterrence.""
In other words, if you don't deter the terrorists you will lose the power to deter them? Is there no better motivation than that?
The only way to deter Arab terrorists is to kill them before they kill you. The only ones deterred here are the Jews.
"Likud MK Miri Regev said that "Israel must prepare for a second Operation Cast Lead and not allow the terror to continue out of control."
So controlled terrorism is okay? How much is tolerable? As long as more Israelis die in traffic accidents?
"Homes of the terrorists and those who sent them should be destroyed because terrorists' conditions in prison are too good.""
Yeah, that will deter them.
Bunch o' dopes.
There were some more intelligent reactions from other officials, but unfortunately they are not the ones with great influence. Let us pray for better leaders, and let us pray not merely for peace, but that the blood of those killed and maimed today will be properly avenged.
Until then we should not want peace even if it is genuinely offered to us.
Our "leaders" now march before the cameras and reporters to recite the usual script that would comprise a comedy if it weren't such a tragedy.
The following quotes come from the Jerusalem Post online:
"Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat...called the incident a "cowardly terrorist attack."
Actually, I think it takes a lot of guts to perpetrate a mass killing of this sort. What is cowardly is the usual "restrained" response. What is cowardly is having the capability to do more to protect your people but being afraid of criticism and the like.
"Most importantly, he said, is to return to your normal lives so that the terrorists don't think they can win."
As if the following conversation will take place between the next would-be Arab killers:
Look, Mohammed! The Jews are still riding the buses like normal! They are even still pushing each other to get on! Let's just forget about trying to kill them."
"Police Insp.-Gen. David Cohen said that the Israel Police and Jerusalem Police were as prepared for Wednesday's Jerusalem terror attack as they could be."
That's reassuring. Sounds like the terrorists won after all.
"Cohen said that he did not believe that the attack represented a move backwards towards the years of terror attacks"
What is it then, intrepid Police Inspector General?
"but said that the Israel and Jerusalem Police are fully prepared for any situation."
Apparently not.
"[Eli Yishai] added that "recent events require us to take action. If we don't do this we will lose our power of deterrence.""
In other words, if you don't deter the terrorists you will lose the power to deter them? Is there no better motivation than that?
The only way to deter Arab terrorists is to kill them before they kill you. The only ones deterred here are the Jews.
"Likud MK Miri Regev said that "Israel must prepare for a second Operation Cast Lead and not allow the terror to continue out of control."
So controlled terrorism is okay? How much is tolerable? As long as more Israelis die in traffic accidents?
"Homes of the terrorists and those who sent them should be destroyed because terrorists' conditions in prison are too good.""
Yeah, that will deter them.
Bunch o' dopes.
There were some more intelligent reactions from other officials, but unfortunately they are not the ones with great influence. Let us pray for better leaders, and let us pray not merely for peace, but that the blood of those killed and maimed today will be properly avenged.
Until then we should not want peace even if it is genuinely offered to us.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
The $2000 Shidduch
Appears in this week's 5 Towns Jewish Times with minor variations.
Chananya
The $2000 Shidduch
By Chananya Weissman
By now you have likely heard about an initiative that has cropped up in several Jewish communities, including Baltimore, Queens, and Toronto. Essentially, if one introduces a single woman over the age of 23 from the community to the person she marries, he will receive a $2000 reward, in addition to the often large sum of money matchmakers typically receive from the individuals or their parents.
I first wrote about this 3 years ago in a Jewish Press article shortly after the original initiative was launched by the Star K in Baltimore. The article can be found at http://www.jewishpress.com/pageroute.do/30755, and, sadly, is just as timely today.
Let us nevertheless revisit the issue; just as the community continues to regurgitate this terrible idea, we must continue to oppose it on logical and moral grounds.
Consider the following: the predominant way for Orthodox Jewish singles to meet nowadays is through introductions, often by people on the fringes of their life taking a clumsy, haphazard stab at a mitzvah, or by so-called "professional" shadchanim who make a business out of it (though no less clumsy and haphazard in their methods).
This method of meeting has become so dominant in the Orthodox community that people in a relationship are usually no longer asked how they met, but who set them up; it is simply taken for granted that they were set up by someone, so few are the opportunities in our society for singles to meet any other way. In fact, an entire generation has been raised in this culture, so that many Orthodox singles have been mis-informed from an early age that this is the "traditional" way, the best way, or the only way.
As a result, these singles do not even WANT more natural meeting opportunities, and are highly uncomfortable in these settings. Young singles today are so socially handicapped that they are incapable of succeeding in normal social settings, and thus require shadchanim as crutches. It would take another generation of proper education simply to enable young singles to once again succeed in social situations.
So, those in favor of shadchanus as THE way for singles to meet have conquered a generation. They have won, at least for now, and they have run of the show. Singles flock to shadchanim as their primary, if not only way to meet a potential spouse, and would neither want nor be able to handle a normal social situation, such as a wedding meal with mixed company.
Concurrently, we have also witnessed what is commonly referred to as a "shidduch crisis": tens of thousands of singles who are having unprecedented difficulty getting married. We know of nothing like this in our history as a people. This crisis, however one wishes to define it, cuts through all communal and demographic lines (contrary to the claims of the elitist kollel-centric and chassidic communities, which have a problem ever admitting they have a problem -- and that the problem is them).
In addition, we have an unprecedented increase in divorces and, presumably, shalom bayis issues. So even those who do get married are having a very difficult time creating happy and stable Jewish homes. Those who simply point to the number of people getting married without looking beyond the chuppa are being very shortsighted.
Any logical person would immediately relate the heavy reliance on shadchanim, which is a departure from how prior generations met socially, with the concurrent problems in the shidduch world. It may not be a complete explanation (and indeed it is far from it), but one cannot ignore the likelihood that these items are strongly related. Yet, somehow, our community has done just that.
Any logical person would say that if shadchanim are the predominant way for singles to meet, and singles are meeting in far fewer numbers than ever before, then shadchanim by and large are a colossal failure. Yet, somehow, our community has not drawn this conclusion. On the contrary, our mindless pundits typically say things like "everyone should think of all the single boys and girls they know and try to set them up", as if more of what isn't working is what we need to solve the problem.
Let me emphasize that I am not opposed to third-party introductions as a method for singles to meet, nor am I opposed to the idea of someone getting paid for the service (though I find it somewhat unsavory). What I am opposed to is the following:
1) Shadchanus is the dominant way for Orthodox singles to meet, and in some communities there is no other option. Even singles who meet on their own, in spite of all the barriers purposely erected to prevent such a thing from ever happening, are expected to find a shadchan after they have already met to set them up after the fact and thereby kasher the meeting.
Considering how ineffective shadchanim typically are and how vastly superior other methods of meeting can and would be, shadchanim should neither be the only address for singles nor even the first address. Singles should not explore other methods only once they are older and perhaps desperate. That's when they should first consider shadchanim.
2) Shadchanim get a free ride to be incompetent, woefully ineffective, and trample on the basic dignity that is the right of all human beings.
Shadchanim hit the jackpot for every "success", however remote, yet they suffer no consequence even if they fail hundreds of times -- even those who win the Lottery still had to pay for their ticket!
Shadchanim take credit for every match, yet assume no blame or responsibility for when it doesn't work out; that is all the fault of the singles.
Shadchanim lie, exaggerate, manipulate, and gossip. That is considered normal behavior for this "profession"; people expect it and are actually shocked, maybe even suspicious, if a shadchan doesn't behave in this fashion.
Shadchanim treat singles like commodities with price tags attached to them, not as human beings involved in a highly personal search who deserve respect and sensitivity. Singles with higher values are treated with more respect; those with lesser values are treated like cheap garbage, if even dealt with at all.
The shadchan is a revered and feared person. The shadchan is typically successful less than 1% of the time, yet is still considered an extremely wise person. The shadchan has no training or professional qualifications to speak of, is held to no professional standards, and is accountable to no one -- yet shadchanim are referred to as professionals.
I have often wondered if a monkey setting up singles entirely at random would be any less successful than the typical shadchan. If you had to bet your life on one of them getting it right more often, would you choose the shadchan without even thinking about it? If you would hesitate for even a moment, I need say nothing more.
Somehow, in spite of all this, we now have this $2000 incentive to encourage more people to set up more singles. Does this $2000 prize encourage more thoughtful and careful matchmaking? No, just the opposite. It encourages more clumsy and haphazard matchmaking, more blindfolded shots with hopes of somehow striking a bulls-eye. It encourages even more manipulation of singles to get them to say yes and keep on saying yes, regardless of the long-term consequences. It encourages shadchanim to focus even more on the singles with the greatest perceived value. And it encourages more people with no idea what they are doing and no regard for the people they are affecting to give it a whirl. All for the mitzvah, of course.
In short, this idea is both illogical and highly immoral.
If those who wanted a chance at the reward had to register every introduction with the committee behind the money and pay a nominal fee of $10 (a la Zevi's matchmaking idea on the EndTheMadness web site), do you think there would be such a stampede to set singles up? On the contrary, there would be outrage that our pristine, holy, hard-working shadchanim are being asked to invest even a token amount of money. After all, they are slaving away for countless hours, neglecting their own needs, and paying astronomical phone bills, all to help singles. So the baloney goes.
Most shadchanim barely know even the most superficial facts about the people they set up, they don't even WANT to get to know them better, they have no idea what they are doing, and they get paid enormous sums of money if they make a match in spite of themselves. Every professional is expected to invest some money in their professions, but broach the idea to our intrepid shadchanim and you'll get quite an earful!
If you think about it, contributing $10 per introduction to the fund is a pittance. If the shadchan gets it right 0.5% of the time -- once every 200 attempts -- he breaks even, and if he gets it right more than that he makes a great deal of money. Shouldn't we expect shadchanim to get it right even 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't shadchanim believe in themselves that they will get it right 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't singles be able to trust that the suggestion has a 0.5% chance of being worthwhile? And shouldn't shadchanim who CAN'T get it right 0.5% of the time be weeded out of the system?
Yes to all of the above. But we all know that shadchanim would never go for it and will cover up their own failures with moral outrage. The community would never go for it because the community cannot face the fact that shadchanim are a colossal failure and the system needs a complete overhaul, values and all.
Even singles do not want to believe the truth. They will subjugate themselves to the system with hopes that they will be one of the fortunate ones, and will sooner pray at ten cemeteries than consider a better way. True hishtadlus is deader than the people in those cemeteries.
This $2000 initiative is doomed to fail. It is illogical and immoral. It only perpetuates and encourages the wrong sort of matchmaking.
Do not be blinded by the boasts of "x" number of shidduchim that come from this initiative. Look at the big picture. Look at the values behind the idea and the behavior it validates and perpetuates. Look at the tremendous price that will be paid by singles being burned for every "successful" shidduch.
Those in our community who are sane, thinking people with proper Torah values must oppose this effort and all efforts like it, and instead promote a better way. If you want things to change, you need to change them. If bad ideas like this initiative can catch on and stick around for so many years, imagine what could be if more people devoted themselves to good ideas.
If you believe this message needs to be heard, please forward this to others and consider what else you can do to promote the proper values and help create a better way for singles.
Chananya
The $2000 Shidduch
By Chananya Weissman
By now you have likely heard about an initiative that has cropped up in several Jewish communities, including Baltimore, Queens, and Toronto. Essentially, if one introduces a single woman over the age of 23 from the community to the person she marries, he will receive a $2000 reward, in addition to the often large sum of money matchmakers typically receive from the individuals or their parents.
I first wrote about this 3 years ago in a Jewish Press article shortly after the original initiative was launched by the Star K in Baltimore. The article can be found at http://www.jewishpress.com/pageroute.do/30755, and, sadly, is just as timely today.
Let us nevertheless revisit the issue; just as the community continues to regurgitate this terrible idea, we must continue to oppose it on logical and moral grounds.
Consider the following: the predominant way for Orthodox Jewish singles to meet nowadays is through introductions, often by people on the fringes of their life taking a clumsy, haphazard stab at a mitzvah, or by so-called "professional" shadchanim who make a business out of it (though no less clumsy and haphazard in their methods).
This method of meeting has become so dominant in the Orthodox community that people in a relationship are usually no longer asked how they met, but who set them up; it is simply taken for granted that they were set up by someone, so few are the opportunities in our society for singles to meet any other way. In fact, an entire generation has been raised in this culture, so that many Orthodox singles have been mis-informed from an early age that this is the "traditional" way, the best way, or the only way.
As a result, these singles do not even WANT more natural meeting opportunities, and are highly uncomfortable in these settings. Young singles today are so socially handicapped that they are incapable of succeeding in normal social settings, and thus require shadchanim as crutches. It would take another generation of proper education simply to enable young singles to once again succeed in social situations.
So, those in favor of shadchanus as THE way for singles to meet have conquered a generation. They have won, at least for now, and they have run of the show. Singles flock to shadchanim as their primary, if not only way to meet a potential spouse, and would neither want nor be able to handle a normal social situation, such as a wedding meal with mixed company.
Concurrently, we have also witnessed what is commonly referred to as a "shidduch crisis": tens of thousands of singles who are having unprecedented difficulty getting married. We know of nothing like this in our history as a people. This crisis, however one wishes to define it, cuts through all communal and demographic lines (contrary to the claims of the elitist kollel-centric and chassidic communities, which have a problem ever admitting they have a problem -- and that the problem is them).
In addition, we have an unprecedented increase in divorces and, presumably, shalom bayis issues. So even those who do get married are having a very difficult time creating happy and stable Jewish homes. Those who simply point to the number of people getting married without looking beyond the chuppa are being very shortsighted.
Any logical person would immediately relate the heavy reliance on shadchanim, which is a departure from how prior generations met socially, with the concurrent problems in the shidduch world. It may not be a complete explanation (and indeed it is far from it), but one cannot ignore the likelihood that these items are strongly related. Yet, somehow, our community has done just that.
Any logical person would say that if shadchanim are the predominant way for singles to meet, and singles are meeting in far fewer numbers than ever before, then shadchanim by and large are a colossal failure. Yet, somehow, our community has not drawn this conclusion. On the contrary, our mindless pundits typically say things like "everyone should think of all the single boys and girls they know and try to set them up", as if more of what isn't working is what we need to solve the problem.
Let me emphasize that I am not opposed to third-party introductions as a method for singles to meet, nor am I opposed to the idea of someone getting paid for the service (though I find it somewhat unsavory). What I am opposed to is the following:
1) Shadchanus is the dominant way for Orthodox singles to meet, and in some communities there is no other option. Even singles who meet on their own, in spite of all the barriers purposely erected to prevent such a thing from ever happening, are expected to find a shadchan after they have already met to set them up after the fact and thereby kasher the meeting.
Considering how ineffective shadchanim typically are and how vastly superior other methods of meeting can and would be, shadchanim should neither be the only address for singles nor even the first address. Singles should not explore other methods only once they are older and perhaps desperate. That's when they should first consider shadchanim.
2) Shadchanim get a free ride to be incompetent, woefully ineffective, and trample on the basic dignity that is the right of all human beings.
Shadchanim hit the jackpot for every "success", however remote, yet they suffer no consequence even if they fail hundreds of times -- even those who win the Lottery still had to pay for their ticket!
Shadchanim take credit for every match, yet assume no blame or responsibility for when it doesn't work out; that is all the fault of the singles.
Shadchanim lie, exaggerate, manipulate, and gossip. That is considered normal behavior for this "profession"; people expect it and are actually shocked, maybe even suspicious, if a shadchan doesn't behave in this fashion.
Shadchanim treat singles like commodities with price tags attached to them, not as human beings involved in a highly personal search who deserve respect and sensitivity. Singles with higher values are treated with more respect; those with lesser values are treated like cheap garbage, if even dealt with at all.
The shadchan is a revered and feared person. The shadchan is typically successful less than 1% of the time, yet is still considered an extremely wise person. The shadchan has no training or professional qualifications to speak of, is held to no professional standards, and is accountable to no one -- yet shadchanim are referred to as professionals.
I have often wondered if a monkey setting up singles entirely at random would be any less successful than the typical shadchan. If you had to bet your life on one of them getting it right more often, would you choose the shadchan without even thinking about it? If you would hesitate for even a moment, I need say nothing more.
Somehow, in spite of all this, we now have this $2000 incentive to encourage more people to set up more singles. Does this $2000 prize encourage more thoughtful and careful matchmaking? No, just the opposite. It encourages more clumsy and haphazard matchmaking, more blindfolded shots with hopes of somehow striking a bulls-eye. It encourages even more manipulation of singles to get them to say yes and keep on saying yes, regardless of the long-term consequences. It encourages shadchanim to focus even more on the singles with the greatest perceived value. And it encourages more people with no idea what they are doing and no regard for the people they are affecting to give it a whirl. All for the mitzvah, of course.
In short, this idea is both illogical and highly immoral.
If those who wanted a chance at the reward had to register every introduction with the committee behind the money and pay a nominal fee of $10 (a la Zevi's matchmaking idea on the EndTheMadness web site), do you think there would be such a stampede to set singles up? On the contrary, there would be outrage that our pristine, holy, hard-working shadchanim are being asked to invest even a token amount of money. After all, they are slaving away for countless hours, neglecting their own needs, and paying astronomical phone bills, all to help singles. So the baloney goes.
Most shadchanim barely know even the most superficial facts about the people they set up, they don't even WANT to get to know them better, they have no idea what they are doing, and they get paid enormous sums of money if they make a match in spite of themselves. Every professional is expected to invest some money in their professions, but broach the idea to our intrepid shadchanim and you'll get quite an earful!
If you think about it, contributing $10 per introduction to the fund is a pittance. If the shadchan gets it right 0.5% of the time -- once every 200 attempts -- he breaks even, and if he gets it right more than that he makes a great deal of money. Shouldn't we expect shadchanim to get it right even 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't shadchanim believe in themselves that they will get it right 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't singles be able to trust that the suggestion has a 0.5% chance of being worthwhile? And shouldn't shadchanim who CAN'T get it right 0.5% of the time be weeded out of the system?
Yes to all of the above. But we all know that shadchanim would never go for it and will cover up their own failures with moral outrage. The community would never go for it because the community cannot face the fact that shadchanim are a colossal failure and the system needs a complete overhaul, values and all.
Even singles do not want to believe the truth. They will subjugate themselves to the system with hopes that they will be one of the fortunate ones, and will sooner pray at ten cemeteries than consider a better way. True hishtadlus is deader than the people in those cemeteries.
This $2000 initiative is doomed to fail. It is illogical and immoral. It only perpetuates and encourages the wrong sort of matchmaking.
Do not be blinded by the boasts of "x" number of shidduchim that come from this initiative. Look at the big picture. Look at the values behind the idea and the behavior it validates and perpetuates. Look at the tremendous price that will be paid by singles being burned for every "successful" shidduch.
Those in our community who are sane, thinking people with proper Torah values must oppose this effort and all efforts like it, and instead promote a better way. If you want things to change, you need to change them. If bad ideas like this initiative can catch on and stick around for so many years, imagine what could be if more people devoted themselves to good ideas.
If you believe this message needs to be heard, please forward this to others and consider what else you can do to promote the proper values and help create a better way for singles.
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