The Non-Volunteers Part 2

And here's one that takes the prize for being the most startling correspondence, if only because the person who contacted me seems to have been kidnapped by the Borg and brainwashed, so striking is the change in his attitude. Maybe his wife got bleached, or they threw some stones at his window, and he realized that they really do have the Torah way after all.

Ploni: I am interested in helping, as is my wife
Can you please call me
We have been here almost 8 years, and are very connected to the Ramat Bet Shemesh Anglo community
Just saw your website. Were you successful in creating shiduchim?
There is a HUGE need for your ideas!

[We talk on the phone for about 20 minutes and it's a very positive conversation. He sounds completely on board and says he will survey a couple of local shuls about hosting a Shabbaton. Can it be? Do we have a live one here?

Several days pass.]

Chananya: Any news?

Ploni: I sent an email to R. [Ploni], and he did not dismiss it out of hand. He says he needs more info. I would like you to "pitch" him, after I introduce you, since you have a much better idea what we are talking about. The Rav was in the US this week…I will speak to him probably on Sunday and set up a time for you to call him.

I will also call R. [Almoni], whose khilah is less charade and perhaps more interested. I don't know if their shul has a social hall. I will find out.

Chananya: "he did not dismiss it out of hand" -- doesn't exactly sound like a kindred spirit. As I told you over the phone, I'm not interested in trying to win over people from the Chelmishe veldt. If he's generally opposed to mixed seating, it's not a conversation I'm interested in having. I don't care to justify it to people who are normally squeamish about having men and women seated together, or in answering stupid questions like "who endorses my events", etc. I'm interested in planning an event in conjunction with a shul and a community that is already fully on board with this sort of thing, not people who may grudgingly allow it if I can say the right words and convince them that it's kosher and I'm kosher. I don't need the headaches.

Ploni: Please keep in mind, he runs an orthodox shul. I assume the people who are coming to this event are also orthodox. The halacha is generally to separate men and women. If you are looking for a conservative community where mixed seating is the norm, you will not find it here in Bet Shemesh, or probably anywhere in Israel. You are going to be hard pressed to find the 5th Ave type lay back, quasi religious shul and community where single guys bring tefillin out on dates. That is simply not the style here in Israel.

I told the Rav clearly that the whole event would be mixed – at the lectures, oneg, etc. If he is willing to find out more, that is a very good thing. This is a very warm, supportive community, with many, many anglos. The goal is simply to tell him about what you plan. If he is not interested, he will tell you. No major deal here. If he is not interested, there are others that might be.

When he get's back, I will let you know.

Chananya: The first paragraph is a little offensive. I am strictly Orthodox. The halacha is to separate men and women during tefilla and times of potential levity, such as Yom Tov meals with celebrations. The halacha IS NOT to separate men and women at wedding meals, concerts, Shabbatons, etc. The perversion of this halacha is a major contributor to the so-called "shidduch crisis", and to suggest that someone who understands and applies halacha properly (as it was applied by real Gedolim up to the current wayward generation) is not Orthodox is outrageous. I think it's not Orthodox to erect inappropriate barriers between men and women to the extent that singles have no normal opportunities to meet one another. He is machmir on an extreme interpretation of tznius; I am machmir on providing appropriate opportunities for singles to meet without compromising halacha in the slightest.

If this particular rabbi sees a mixed event as anything less than a lechatchila I'd rather not waste my time or his.

Ploni: This has been a very interesting exchange. Gives me much more insight into where you are coming from.
Rav [Ploni] does not consider mixing men and women a lechatchila
Frankly, I do not know of any shul in Ramat Bet Shemesh that would consider mixing men and women as a lechatchila
I don't see how I can be of help.

Chananya: We spoke extensively on the phone and I thought I made it rather clear where I was coming from. I'm dismayed that this is a chiddush now.

Maybe one day the shuls in Ramat Beit Shemesh will realize they are not quite as holier-than-thou as they like to believe themselves to be, and they will care more about singles than maintaining this false image.

All the best.

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And there you have it. My plea to thousands of people in Israel for the minimal assistance I need to help make ETM events happen, events that are desperately needed and that would help countless people, has resulted in thousands of crickets chirping, a few crazy people, a few people who can only write one email, and a handful of promising leads that have thus far not led anywhere.

This is not a new story, and it has nothing to do with me or ETM. For all the talk about the "shidduch crisis" there is only an infinitesimal percentage of people who really, truly care. There are plenty of people who care about THEMSELVES and making sure their own needs are taken care of, and there are plenty of people who care so long as they can make a buck or garner some good PR off the plight of singles, but there is almost no one who really, truly cares about the people who are suffering and the issues that are affecting the community.

You don't need think tanks, surveys, and people with lots of letters after their last name to tell you what the "real" problem is or to come up with fancy solutions. The real problems are generally obvious and the solutions are generally straightforward. Unfortunately, hardly anyone cares -- really, truly cares -- enough to do anything about it.

And so more days and years pass.

The Non-Volunteers Part 1

It's become somewhat of a running joke. Someone contacts us and enthusiastically expresses interest in planning an event or otherwise becoming involved. We follow up. We then never hear from them again. This is the modern form of calling out a donation in shul and then stiffing them. Why do people do this? Because people stink, that's why.

Two weeks ago I posted a message on the Nefesh B'Nefesh Yahoo groups with the subject "A call to action in the shidduch world". It went as follows:

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More than seven years ago I started a grassroots volunteer campaign called EndTheMadness (www.endthemadness.org) to bring sanity and true Torah values back to the shidduch world. To date our small group of volunteers has held dozens of Shabbatons and other events for both singles and the entire community to promote these values, model them in action, and provide normal, non-awkward social opportunities for singles.

We take no salaries for our efforts, charge the minimum we can get away with (many events have been no charge), and funnel any surplus funds into future initiatives. Those who have benefited from our efforts and express interest in donating money are advised to donate time instead in helping to spread the message and further the cause. EndTheMadness isn't non-profit; it is anti-profit.

Nearly all of our events to date have been in the New York area. I recently made aliya and would like very much to bring these kinds of programs and opportunities to Israel. Unfortunately, I don't yet have the connections here that I need to make this happen. I need shuls and communities that are interested in hosting events and at least a few serious people who are interested in helping organize them. No prior experience running programs is necessary, nor is any long-term commitment necessary to make a difference. The main qualification is to care enough to do something.

If you care enough to do something, please contact me.

Sincerely,
Chananya Weissman

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More than 6000 people received this message, and I know that it was forwarded around by some people on the mailing list.

Here is a complete summary of the replies I received. The most striking will be posted in a follow-up post, as it deserves one all to itself:

1) "attention chananya:
my husband and i thought you might have some tips or suggestions for our daughter,
[Plonis] who is a bit discouraged by what she's been going out with...."

This was followed by a long, bland, boring shidduch profile. Sorry, wrong number.

2) "HELLO
I AM 35 YEARS OLD AND I WANT TO MARRY A GOOD LOOKING KIND MAN WITH A GOOD JOB CAN YOU HELP ME I LIVE IN ISRAEL"

Vanna, I'd like to buy a punctuation mark.

As if this email weren't already an impressive showing of hishtadlus, it came unsigned from what seems to be an anonymous email account. Help is definitely on the way.

3) An email from a mother who expressed interest in helping but is out of the country until Pesach. It read in part:

"Yes, I am interested in helping you "end the madness". I think you will do better in israel than NY with this mission."

Um, not yet.

4) "Hello Chananya,
I am single, living in Jerusalem, and I would be very happy to volunteer for the cause.
Please be in touch with me.
Thanks.
[Plonis]

Two follow up emails were not returned. Someone needs to explain to this young lady that volunteering for the cause requires just a little more.

5) "I am with you 100%
I am in the givatayim area of tel aviv let me know what I can do"

I suggested one way he could help with an initiative based on his professional background as an actor, and mentioned that ETM is a volunteer effort. I never heard from him again. So much for being with me 100%. I would have settled for even 30%.

6) "Chananya,
A friend of mine forwarded me a post by you about your efforts and your desire to continue these efforts here in Israel. Firsty, mazal tov on your aliyah!
I am a 34 year old single woman living in Jerusalem who (side from looking for my guy) has decided to become a life coach specializing in the Jewish dating world. As a person swimming in the midst of it all and seeing no one around who wants to make a change, I've decided to attempt to change things myself...even one person at a time. I have taken a look at your website, and would love to speak with you further about your efforts.

Kol tuv and blessings,
[Plonis]

I replied that I would be happy to speak with her and gave her my phone number. Never heard from her again, and a second follow-up email was also ignored. Seems to be a trend. I guess writing that first email is so exhausting for some people that they need a break from volunteering.

7) "Chananya . . .Yes, I would like to become more involved, perhaps [Ploni] would, too. He is a good friend of mine. I practiced law in the states (NYC) and walked away from the "corporate" world two years ago and have never looked back. I live in Be'er Sheva."

It took 2 follow-up emails to get a reply. She then wrote in part, "A conservative Shul might be more receptive to your program.. . .just a thought."

Thanks. I explained that we're strictly Orhtodox and haven't heard back.

8) "Hi,
Me and a few friends are trying to develop a shiduch network, event and party and regular shiduch "thing".
We have trouble getting the Israeli boys around and good attractive ideas for events.
We would be happy to join forces."

This young lady planned a meeting, then canceled it, and has not been heard from since.

9) I had an email correspondence and a meeting with one woman who is interested in planning events, but the last word was she's set on planning a speed dating event. Maybe she will help with something else, but I explained that speed dating runs contrary to what I'm trying to create.

10) The closest thing to a volunteer: a mother from a largely Anglo community outside of Jerusalem floated the idea of a Shabbaton to friends and neighbors, and we're still in correspondence. However, the shul doesn't really have appropriate facilities, and the ball is in her court at the moment. I'm not holding my breath that this will work out.

See follow-up post.

Half-Baked Mehadrin

[Cross-posted in the Madness Watch thread of www.endthemadness.org.]

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/136077

A three-member panel of Supreme Court judges issued a restraining order against adding more bus lines to the separate-gender bus routes.

The judges – Elyakim Rubenstein, Yoram Dantziger and Salim Jubran – ruled that the State must also make sure that on the existing “mehadrin” buses, as they are called, separate seating for men and women are not enforced. Men and women may be directed to get on and off the bus via separate doors, however.

The “mehadrin” lines are popular in areas populated by hareidi-religious Jews, but have caused controversy even there on occasion. Several women have reported being disgraced or even assaulted when they “dared” to sit in a spot reserved for men.

The judges acknowledged that the option of separate-seating bus lines in certain neighborhoods should be considered, where there is a demand for such.

The judges noted that the word “mehadrin,” referring to going beyond that which is required by the letter of the law, “might apply to Chanukah candles, kosher laws or an etrog, but apparently does not necessarily mean that whoever is mehader in the laws of modesty and inter-gender mingling is also mehader in the laws of respect to others.”

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Emphasis mine.

Few seem to realize that every chumrah is also a kulah in some other area. You can't put more emphasis in one area without concurrently putting less emphasis somewhere else. And sometimes one loses a great deal more than he gains.

Favor extreme approaches to tznius that place single men and women far from one another? Sure, fine. But you're also favoring an extremely lenient approach to providing sufficient effective opportunities for men and women to successfully meet and marry. Hello shidduch crisis.

Favor extreme approaches to Torah study and filtering out inappropriate influences? As you wish, but you're also favoring an extremely lenient approach toward producing well-rounded, capable, self-sufficient human beings who can deal with ordinary life challenges and think for themselves. Lots of Torah book knowledge won't compensate, either. Torah ethics will ultimately suffer as well when times get tough. Final score? You lose.

These are just two prime examples of many; hopefully food for thought.

A Chilly Shabbos

Last Shabbos I davened at a small minyan with about 15 men. I sat in the back. Right before shevi'i the Gabbai approached me and offered me an aliya. After the aliya, without even turning to me, he launched into a mi she'beirach in which he declared on my behalf that I would, bli neder, give a matanah. He then shook my hand vigorously.

After I returned to my seat he came by and dropped off a pre-addressed envelope.

I have long been unhappy with the common practice to sell kibudim, even though, unfortunately, many shuls might not receive the support they need any other way. Regardless, if a shul expects payment for an aliya, they should certainly be up front about it before offering one to a newcomer, and if they aren't up front about it, they should first receive his consent before making even a bli neder declaration about his intention to make a donation.

Needless to say, I was put off by the Gabbai's behavior, and I went back and forth in my mind if I should be a good sport and make a token donation or take the strict approach. Ultimately I decided that if after davening someone (preferably the Gabbai) would welcome me more informally I would reciprocate the gesture, otherwise not.

Well, no one said a word to me after davening. They filed out with nary a glance in my direction, let alone any words of welcome. The Gabbai made sure that I would feel a responsibility to give money and have an easy time doing so, but made not the slightest effort to make me feel wanted for anything more than my donation. I contemplated sending a token donation with a note expressing my feelings, but didn't care to dedicate the time and effort.

The envelope was deposited in a trash bin on the way home.

Speaking of the journey home, it was a 15 minute walk through two Jerusalem neighborhoods with a park in between. Along the way I passed Jews of many ages, shapes, and sizes. Some walked alone, some with a spouse, some with friends, some with children. Not a single person wished me a good Shabbos. Almost none of them even made eye contact with me so that I could wish them a good Shabbos first. One person did make brief eye contact with me; I wished him a good Shabbos and he walked right by me without a reply.

I became very discouraged. This was Jerusalem, for goodness sake, the capital of Israel and the holiest city in the world! What was wrong with all these people?

I exited the park and saw a young man approaching from the other direction. He was wearing an undershirt and shorts and holding a basketball. As we came within a few feet of each other he wished me a Shabbat Shalom. I was so startled that I hope I managed to return his greeting in time for him to hear it. I glanced behind me and noticed that he was also not wearing a Yarmulka.

The rest of the way home was business as usual -- no eye contact, no greetings, noticed by passersby just enough so they wouldn't bump into me. The only Shabbos greeting I received from the dozens of people I encountered in shul and on the way was from the one person who didn't observe Shabbos, at least not completely.

In my opinion, he was the frummest of the bunch.

God...Or Santa Clause?

I had a discussion this week in which someone related the following advice from a popular seminary teacher in Israel: get into the habit of asking God to help you with all your little problems. For example, ask God to help you do well on that test, to help you find the iPod you misplaced, etc. This will help us remember that God is always there to help us with our problems and will help us build a relationship with Him.

I objected that this is an incredibly simplistic approach to prayer, and the only relationship that one can expect to build with this approach is like that of a child with Santa Clause. We ask for what we want and he (hopefully) gives it to us.

I won't go guns ablaze on the person who reportedly taught this, since his words may have been misquoted or taken out of context. Furthermore, there is definitely value in turning to Hashem for even seemingly mundane things -- provided that we have our priorities in the right place and ask for these things through a desire to be able to serve Hashem better.

For example, I've asked Hashem to help me have a good softball game, particularly when I've felt a little out of it. Of course I realize that in the grand scheme of things it's not very important whether or not I have a good game, and of course there are countless more important things we all need to daven for. However, if I do recognize that, and if having a good game will help me have some entirely permitted enjoyment, and if it will help improve my spirits to some degree, what harm is there in bringing Hashem even into this relatively trivial activity? It certainly doesn't preclude me from davening for those more important things, nor does it place equal importance upon them.

The real problem with the reported suggestion of that teacher is that it changes the focus of prayer from what it really is and is supposed to be to a self-serving activity -- in fact, the direct opposite of what prayer is supposed to be. The young adults are not being taught to pray for these things because it will help settle their minds and thereby facilitate their avodas Hashem. Rather, they are being taught to bring Hashem into their lives in a minimal fashion that is actually antithetical to the relationship that is supposed to be fostered by prayer.

One of the primary roles of Tefilla is to "pay our debts" to Hashem through our inability to bring Korbanos. The avoda that we perform through davening -- and it is avoda -- is modeled in many ways after the avoda in the Beis Hamikdash, as this is the best we can do. Understanding this helps us to understand Tefilla.

Generally speaking, an individual may bring a Korban for one of the following reasons:

1) Atonement for a sin (Chatas, Asham, Olah)
2) An expression of gratitude (Sh'lamim)
3) A desire to raise one's spiritual level, rejoice in Hashem and serving Him, or to become closer to Hashem (Sh'lamim, Olah)

There is no Korban for one who has a list of requests.

Furthermore, the overwhelming majority of our Tefilla consists of praises to Hashem. The most important part of Shemona Esrei is the first 3 Brachos, which consist of praises to Hashem. Even the request-oriented Brachos are laced with praises.

Do you want to teach your children how to daven properly? Teach them how to praise Hashem. Teach them how to worship Hashem. Then, and only then, will they be adequately prepared to ask Hashem for their personal needs and have their request given favorable attention.

Many people seem to think that the only way to get that sullen teenager to daven is to "make it worth his while" by making a Santa Clause figure out of God. This is likely to work only as long as Santa Clause delivers, and I've still yet to meet the person who receives everything on his wish list in a timely fashion. Furthermore, this self-serving relationship is unlikely to develop into what it is really meant to be -- serving Hashem instead of oneself.

Better than nothing? Better than not davening at all or merely davening by rote? I don't think so, since it is much harder to undo the wrong lessons than to teach the right ones and allow them to kick in when the individual is ready.

Teach the disaffected teenager that it's okay to ask Hashem for the things we want, but we really need to ask Hashem what HE wants from US. Ask Him to enlighten us as to our mission in life and the path we should take. Ask Him to help make us better people and better servants. Ask Him to give us what we need to make the journey easier, more pleasant, more fulfilling, and, ultimately, more successful (including that iPod). Then one will have a genuine relationship with his God.

Also teach him to say thank you, and to mean it. Saying thank you is basic etiquette. Meaning it means that one recognizes, truly recognizes, that the fulfillment of one's desire is a blessing from Hashem. You're no smarter or more industrious than the next person who desired the same thing and didn't get it. And if you are, you have Hashem to thank for that, too. So make sure you don't take credit that doesn't belong to you. Then your relationship with God will be appropriate -- not that of a spoiled child taking from Santa Clause, but that of a child grateful to a parent and a servant grateful to his master.

I realized the following as I composed this in my mind. We daven to Hashem for rain in Israel, especially following years of severe drought. This year has been an especially rainy one. It would be most appropriate for us to both continue to daven for the rain that is still needed while ALSO thanking Hashem for bringing so much rain these last few weeks. This sort of thing comes naturally (or should) in our relationships with people. Kal vachomer in our relationship with God.