The Non-Volunteers Part 2

And here's one that takes the prize for being the most startling correspondence, if only because the person who contacted me seems to have been kidnapped by the Borg and brainwashed, so striking is the change in his attitude. Maybe his wife got bleached, or they threw some stones at his window, and he realized that they really do have the Torah way after all.

Ploni: I am interested in helping, as is my wife
Can you please call me
We have been here almost 8 years, and are very connected to the Ramat Bet Shemesh Anglo community
Just saw your website. Were you successful in creating shiduchim?
There is a HUGE need for your ideas!

[We talk on the phone for about 20 minutes and it's a very positive conversation. He sounds completely on board and says he will survey a couple of local shuls about hosting a Shabbaton. Can it be? Do we have a live one here?

Several days pass.]

Chananya: Any news?

Ploni: I sent an email to R. [Ploni], and he did not dismiss it out of hand. He says he needs more info. I would like you to "pitch" him, after I introduce you, since you have a much better idea what we are talking about. The Rav was in the US this week…I will speak to him probably on Sunday and set up a time for you to call him.

I will also call R. [Almoni], whose khilah is less charade and perhaps more interested. I don't know if their shul has a social hall. I will find out.

Chananya: "he did not dismiss it out of hand" -- doesn't exactly sound like a kindred spirit. As I told you over the phone, I'm not interested in trying to win over people from the Chelmishe veldt. If he's generally opposed to mixed seating, it's not a conversation I'm interested in having. I don't care to justify it to people who are normally squeamish about having men and women seated together, or in answering stupid questions like "who endorses my events", etc. I'm interested in planning an event in conjunction with a shul and a community that is already fully on board with this sort of thing, not people who may grudgingly allow it if I can say the right words and convince them that it's kosher and I'm kosher. I don't need the headaches.

Ploni: Please keep in mind, he runs an orthodox shul. I assume the people who are coming to this event are also orthodox. The halacha is generally to separate men and women. If you are looking for a conservative community where mixed seating is the norm, you will not find it here in Bet Shemesh, or probably anywhere in Israel. You are going to be hard pressed to find the 5th Ave type lay back, quasi religious shul and community where single guys bring tefillin out on dates. That is simply not the style here in Israel.

I told the Rav clearly that the whole event would be mixed – at the lectures, oneg, etc. If he is willing to find out more, that is a very good thing. This is a very warm, supportive community, with many, many anglos. The goal is simply to tell him about what you plan. If he is not interested, he will tell you. No major deal here. If he is not interested, there are others that might be.

When he get's back, I will let you know.

Chananya: The first paragraph is a little offensive. I am strictly Orthodox. The halacha is to separate men and women during tefilla and times of potential levity, such as Yom Tov meals with celebrations. The halacha IS NOT to separate men and women at wedding meals, concerts, Shabbatons, etc. The perversion of this halacha is a major contributor to the so-called "shidduch crisis", and to suggest that someone who understands and applies halacha properly (as it was applied by real Gedolim up to the current wayward generation) is not Orthodox is outrageous. I think it's not Orthodox to erect inappropriate barriers between men and women to the extent that singles have no normal opportunities to meet one another. He is machmir on an extreme interpretation of tznius; I am machmir on providing appropriate opportunities for singles to meet without compromising halacha in the slightest.

If this particular rabbi sees a mixed event as anything less than a lechatchila I'd rather not waste my time or his.

Ploni: This has been a very interesting exchange. Gives me much more insight into where you are coming from.
Rav [Ploni] does not consider mixing men and women a lechatchila
Frankly, I do not know of any shul in Ramat Bet Shemesh that would consider mixing men and women as a lechatchila
I don't see how I can be of help.

Chananya: We spoke extensively on the phone and I thought I made it rather clear where I was coming from. I'm dismayed that this is a chiddush now.

Maybe one day the shuls in Ramat Beit Shemesh will realize they are not quite as holier-than-thou as they like to believe themselves to be, and they will care more about singles than maintaining this false image.

All the best.

-----

And there you have it. My plea to thousands of people in Israel for the minimal assistance I need to help make ETM events happen, events that are desperately needed and that would help countless people, has resulted in thousands of crickets chirping, a few crazy people, a few people who can only write one email, and a handful of promising leads that have thus far not led anywhere.

This is not a new story, and it has nothing to do with me or ETM. For all the talk about the "shidduch crisis" there is only an infinitesimal percentage of people who really, truly care. There are plenty of people who care about THEMSELVES and making sure their own needs are taken care of, and there are plenty of people who care so long as they can make a buck or garner some good PR off the plight of singles, but there is almost no one who really, truly cares about the people who are suffering and the issues that are affecting the community.

You don't need think tanks, surveys, and people with lots of letters after their last name to tell you what the "real" problem is or to come up with fancy solutions. The real problems are generally obvious and the solutions are generally straightforward. Unfortunately, hardly anyone cares -- really, truly cares -- enough to do anything about it.

And so more days and years pass.