Everyone a Commentator

In the last 24 hours I had at least 3 encounters with Israeli society that underscore the fact that everyone here is a commentator, and your business is everyone's business. Those who only visit Israel find this charming and endearing. Those who have lived here a short time find it annoying, even infuriating. Those who live here a long time come to accept it and largely ignore it. After all, if the average Israeli acts like he thinks he is a member of my family, I can employ my years of experience ignoring family members when they do something annoying.

1) Yesterday I went to a supermarket intending to buy some things, but wound up only getting two items. I went to the inappropriately named express line (10 items or less) with my two items in a shopping cart. There were four people ahead of me, including three older women. The cashier was engaged in an argument with the person checking out, and the women were chiming in. I'm not sure what they were arguing about, but then again, it's possible they weren't sure what they were arguing about, either. Suddenly the cashier spotted me in the back of the line with a shopping cart and yelled at me that the line was only for those with ten items or less. I replied that I only had two items, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth the three women started screaming back at the cashier on my behalf. This went on for several minutes as the security guard looked on with a bemused smile from his seat at the exit. All in a day's work.

2) Today on the bus a mentally ill old man I have seen before got on and complained that an old woman's shopping cart was in his way in the aisle. It was not -- there was plenty of room for him to pass. Nevertheless, the woman folded it up, leaving about 85% of the aisle available for him to pass. He continued to make loud noises and gesture angrily (he seemed incapable of speech). The woman kept saying there was room for him to pass, but also pulled the cart as close to her as possible until he finally passed. Then the woman proceeded to engage all those around her in a loud defense of herself. Mind you, no one criticized the woman, and people reassured her that the man was not well and she did nothing wrong. Nevertheless, she continued to adamantly defend herself, just to be sure. She must have once represented Israel at the UN.

3) I was standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change and twice a gust of wind almost knocked off my yarmulka. A guy waiting next to me also had to grab his yarmulka. He then remarked to me that we didn't have enough hair to keep it clipped on tightly. That's not exactly what I needed to hear to brighten up my day, and really not something you should tell someone on a first date.

G'mar Chasima Tova.

Another sign the world is coming to an end

This morning in shul there was a boy wearing a yarmulka with the idolatrous "Long live the king Messiah..." AND a Yankees NY logo.

A Change Questionnaire

http://5tjt.com/featured-news/10504-a-change-questionnaire

I was recently asked, in an interview about the shidduch world, if I have seen progress in the community in the nearly nine years since starting EndTheMadness. I replied that, in my opinion, things have actually gotten worse during that time (much to the surprise of the secular interviewer). Sure, the community has definitely become more aware of the existence of a great problem and more sensitive about certain facets of the problem, but overall the community has remained almost entirely unwilling to face up to the real issues and embrace the right approach. As a result, the community has become nine years more entrenched in faulty ideas, and has a new generation of singles that was educated in the problem as opposed to the solution.

Perhaps after all this time some people will be willing to step back and take honest stock of where things stand and where they may be headed if things continue on their present course. If we are still having the same lamentable discussion about the shidduch world as we did a decade ago, then perhaps some people will acknowledge that all those exciting initiatives that merely repackaged micro-controlled shidduch dating have failed. After all, have they not had more than enough time to make the “shidduch crisis” a thing of the past? If we stand in the same place today—or worse—that we did 10 years ago, then why would anyone continue on the same path?

I invite readers to take the following questionnaire to help determine what changes they wish to see in the shidduch world, and whether their present attitude makes those changes at all realistic. After all, singles are frequently admonished to have realistic expectations. That goes for the community as well.

1. You don’t like the petty, intrusive, and degrading questions asked about singles and their families. Are you willing to give mussar to those who ask these questions of you? Are you willing to honestly reconsider whether some of the questions you ask are inappropriate, and modify your own behavior accordingly?

2. You think matchmakers should spend more time getting to know singles as real human beings, not as superficial facts and figures on a notepad. In your own involvement, be it as a single, a parent, or other concerned individual, do you describe singles strictly in such clichéd terms? If so, are you willing to change that? Or do you just want others to change that?

3. You think there aren’t enough social opportunities for singles to meet on their own. Are you willing to create more such opportunities? Are you willing to bring this up at the next board meeting and see it through? Or are you just waiting for it to happen on its own?

4. You think labels put people in a box, obfuscate communication, divide the community, and don’t even help besides. Are you willing to stop using them?

5. You think it would be nice if singles could sit together at the wedding meal of their friends, just as they did a generation ago. It would undoubtedly lead to more matches, naturally and pleasantly. Are you willing to have mixed seating at your next simcha, even if others object to the idea?

6. You think a “professional” by definition is someone who has undergone professional training in a given field and is held accountable to professional standards. Are you willing to stop referring to matchmakers who do not qualify as professionals?

7. Ladies: You don’t like it when men objectify you based on your weight and your body. You want to be appreciated for your character, personality, virtues, and inner beauty. Are you willing to stop objectifying men based on their height and occupation? Are you willing to stop rejecting men out of hand for superficial reasons that have nothing to do with whether they will make worthy husbands and fathers?

8. Singles: You don’t like the fact that many married people are oblivious to the needs of singles and are often grossly insensitive. Are you willing to commit to being forever attuned to the needs of singles and sensitive toward them after you get married? Or are you going to drift away from your single friends shortly after you get married and then start to look down on those who are still single as inferior to you for not sharing your good fortune? Do you care a great deal about the shidduch world only so long as it directly and immediately affects you? If so, do you really care at all?

9. Married people: Do you think singles beyond a certain age are probably seriously defective in some way that is holding them back from getting married and that they should seek professional help? Are you willing to consider the possibility that you are being unfairly judgmental, blaming the victim, and even influencing perfectly normal people to drive themselves crazy fixing something that isn’t broken? Also, do you seek professional help for your various unrealized dreams and hold yourself to blame for them?

10. You think rabbis and other community leaders should speak more about the issues and get more personally involved. Are you willing to voice your own opinion about the issues and get personally involved, even if that means taking some criticism? Or do you want to just write a check to support some dubious initiative and then look the other way?

11. You think “shidduch résumés” and singles profiles are nauseatingly superficial, uniform, dehumanizing, and generally useless besides. You think they only perpetuate a culture of fear and conformity, and are part of a perverse culture in which people try to stand out while simultaneously trying to be as parve and uncontroversial as possible. You think this runs entirely counter to proper Torah values, aside from being unhealthy and encouraging shidduchim based on wrong or irrelevant criteria.

If you are single and feel this way, are you willing to stop playing this game?

12. You believe shidduchim come from G-d. If so, are you willing to be entirely honest and genuine in the shidduch world? Are you willing to do what you know is right and true for you on an individual level, even if that means bucking the trend? If not, do you really believe shidduchim come from G-d? Do you believe G-d wants you to engage in “hishtadlus” that is backwards, unhealthy, and even immoral, even if that’s what “everyone else is doing”? If so, how do you reconcile this with a wealth of Torah teachings to the contrary?

13. You think the Jewish community should support the honest exchange of ideas. You also think singles should portray themselves for who they really are, so that dating will be a more honest and effective process, and so that people will find suitors who appreciate them for who they truly are. Are you willing to stand behind your own ideas with your real name, or do you have to remain anonymous every time you voice something that someone out there might disagree with? Does your religious practice consist more of superficial displays of conformity to social expectations than true spiritual commitment? Do you perpetuate such practices in your own family so that you “fit in”? Are you ever willing to do something unpopular in your community because you know that’s what
G-d really wants? Do you want singles to be true to themselves and others, yet your own life is largely just an act?

14. Rabbis: You think much of what goes on in the shidduch world runs counter to fundamental Torah principles. Are you willing to give a series of hard-hitting lectures that cut to the core of what’s wrong and what needs to be done, even if not everyone will love you for it? Or do you think drashos that make vague, general points and avoid controversy will be enough for people to get the idea? (Is that why you wanted to become a rabbi back in the day?)

15. Matchmakers: You think singles should generally go out on at least two or three dates so they can get to know the other person and not form opinions about them too quickly. Are you willing to extend singles the same courtesy and take the time to get to know them on a substantive level?

16. Matchmakers: You think singles should be willing to change, often fundamentally. Are you? Are you willing to even consider the possibility that your methods of matching are highly flawed, and change accordingly?

17. Everyone: Are you willing to consider the possibility that the community’s entire approach to the shidduch world needs an overhaul, and that minor tinkering will not be nearly enough? If not, why do you think minor tinkering will solve what you believe is a crisis?

18. You want everyone else to give up their shtick. Are you willing to give up yours?

19. You want things to change. Are you willing to do anything to change them? Or do you want to make a variety of excuses, complain, cling to false hope, and thereby perpetuate the likelihood that what you want will never happen?

20. Are you willing to write a letter to the editor with your real name and describe specifically what you are willing to change in your own life to help bring about the changes you want to see in the shidduch world?

Or do you want to have this same conversation 10 years from now?

The Futility of Matchmaking

I've always respected Rabbi Josh Yuter as a clear, sharp thinker who expresses himself articulately. He recently posted about his frustrating years as a member of Saw You At Sinai:

http://joshyuter.com/2011/03/22/judaism/jewish-culture/jewish-dating/the-statistics-of-shidduchim-a-case-study-in-futility/

Of course, Yuter's post is only one man's experience, and there are countless possible explanations for why any one person's experience isn't representative of the general reality. Nay-sayers can posit that his experience of futility is entirely of his own doing for one reason or another, and there's no way we can disprove that any more than the nay-sayers can prove their cynical claims. So we'll just have to side with whoever makes the most sense. I'm comfortable with that.

It would be terrific if thousands more people like Yuter would share similar information. But considering how few among us can even post an opinion under their real name, since having an opinion and a real identity is apparently bad for shidduch purposes, we shouldn't expect more samples of data anytime soon.

Besides, I have yet to see an analysis of the shidduch world that doesn't depend almost entirely on anecdotal evidence, speculation, and extrapolation of large theories from relatively small and unscientific samples of data. Consider the following dubious opinions we often hear stated as indisputable facts:

"There is no real crisis. People are getting married all the time."
"There is no crisis in the charedi/yeshivish/chassidish/other community. It's only in the ____ community that there is a problem, and it's because [insert reason why we look down on them]."
"The problem is that singles are too picky."
"We just need everyone to think of everyone they know and try to set them up."
"There are far more single women than men."
"The single women are fantastic, but it's hard to find even a passable guy."

Here are some observations and comments based on Yuter's post:

1) I have often written that the numbers promoted by the dating sites themselves provide strong evidence of their futility. As I write this, SYAS boasts 597 matches. They concurrently boast an "extensive database" of 30,000 singles. The site has been running since 2003. So, in 8 years, the site has been successful for 1194 members. That is less than 4% of the CURRENT membership. We can only speculate how many people in all have tried the site and left over the years -- probably the current membership many times over. Based on this information alone, which is provided by the site itself in the form of marketing, the site is spectacularly unsuccessful, and the average member would have to use the site for several lifetimes to have a reasonable chance of success. The numbers from other Jewish dating sites are no more impressive.

2) Yuter received 711 suggestions in 4.5 years as an active member. That's 158 a year, more than 10 a month, and only 28 actual first dates and nothing of consequence to show for it. We don't know how much of this was his own "fault" (I doubt any more than that of the average member). But if these numbers are at all representative, and we combine them with the site's "success" numbers, the average suggestion has such a small chance of succeeding that you'd be better off just making cold calls from a Jewish telephone directory or asking out random people on the street.

Let's take it one step further. Let's assume the average member received 150 suggestions a year. 30,000 members would then receive 4.5 million suggestions a year. Multiply that by 8 years and there would be 36 million suggestions. 1194 members were matched in that time. Each individual suggested match by a shadchan has such a low percentage of leading to a marriage that my calculator got an error trying to figure it out.

I love to posit that a monkey could do just as well as the average shadchan, and based on these highly plausible numbers, would you really bet on the average shadchan in a head-to-head competition?

3) I have long gone against the propaganda that there are significantly more single women than men and that we just need to manipulate men to marry women the same age or older (the proponents of which have been silent for a couple of years now, fading into the oblivion I predicted for them when they were at their apex, surely to emerge at some point with another dopey idea). I have also challenged those who claim that "there are so many great girls out there and not enough decent guys".

I have claimed that women are far quicker to reject a man, and will do so for a long list of trivial reasons that fly in the face of the presumed desperate state of women. My critics have countered that women are quick to reject men because most men are revolting and pathetic. Such a response only supports my assertion that the single women in our community deserve far less sympathy and far more of the responsibility for the situation than the single men. I would say more than 50% of it.

(My interest here is not in playing a blame game, but in shedding light on some of the faulty beliefs that have become accepted as indisputable facts in our community, and which lead to misguided actions to solve problems that don't even exist.)

Yuter reports that nearly 4 out 5 women that he agreed to be connected with on SYAS rejected him, and there is no way to know how many rejected him before he was even approached. The naysayers can claim that there is something so horrible about him (after all, he's a single Jewish male) that no self-respecting woman would consider him, but the naysayers don’t want to see the truth. If 4 out of 5 women are turning down a perfectly good guy that has already agreed to correspond with them, then I don't think we can entertain the possibility that single Jewish women are desperate to get married and can't find a decent guy. For all the talk we hear about the mythical lists of women single guys have just desperate to meet them, the women are doing the vast majority of the rejecting, and not for respectable reasons.

The community instead needs to start exploring if feminism and other foreign values have infiltrated the community to such an extent that Jewish women look down on men, feel they no longer need men, and are so comfortable in their single lives that they view men as more of a threat to their cozy existence than a potential partner in life that transcends all mundane considerations. Sure, women will join SYAS and go out on dates, if only to prove to themselves and others that they really do want to get married, but they will often then sabotage any possibility of it happening.

Are you telling me the age-gap theory makes more sense?

4) Finally, I continue to be amazed that so much futility can be promoted as so much success, that so many singles continue to cling to what offers them nothing in return (besides a monthly bill), and that the community still believes that random blind dates set up by matchmakers who get it right virtually never is the way to go. Maybe all this demonstrates that one more belief the community holds as an indisputable fact is questionable after all.

That Jews are especially smart.

Our Stupid Leaders

A short time ago there was a bombing at a crowded area very close to the Jerusalem Central Bus Station. My father was boarding a bus only a few feet away from the explosion, and I was there 3 days ago. The relief at having closely missed the attack mixes with anger and sadness for the dozens of my fellow Jews who were not so fortunate.

Our "leaders" now march before the cameras and reporters to recite the usual script that would comprise a comedy if it weren't such a tragedy.

The following quotes come from the Jerusalem Post online:

"Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat...called the incident a "cowardly terrorist attack."

Actually, I think it takes a lot of guts to perpetrate a mass killing of this sort. What is cowardly is the usual "restrained" response. What is cowardly is having the capability to do more to protect your people but being afraid of criticism and the like.

"Most importantly, he said, is to return to your normal lives so that the terrorists don't think they can win."

As if the following conversation will take place between the next would-be Arab killers:

Look, Mohammed! The Jews are still riding the buses like normal! They are even still pushing each other to get on! Let's just forget about trying to kill them."


"Police Insp.-Gen. David Cohen said that the Israel Police and Jerusalem Police were as prepared for Wednesday's Jerusalem terror attack as they could be."

That's reassuring. Sounds like the terrorists won after all.


"Cohen said that he did not believe that the attack represented a move backwards towards the years of terror attacks"

What is it then, intrepid Police Inspector General?

"but said that the Israel and Jerusalem Police are fully prepared for any situation."

Apparently not.


"[Eli Yishai] added that "recent events require us to take action. If we don't do this we will lose our power of deterrence.""

In other words, if you don't deter the terrorists you will lose the power to deter them? Is there no better motivation than that?

The only way to deter Arab terrorists is to kill them before they kill you. The only ones deterred here are the Jews.

"Likud MK Miri Regev said that "Israel must prepare for a second Operation Cast Lead and not allow the terror to continue out of control."

So controlled terrorism is okay? How much is tolerable? As long as more Israelis die in traffic accidents?


"Homes of the terrorists and those who sent them should be destroyed because terrorists' conditions in prison are too good.""

Yeah, that will deter them.

Bunch o' dopes.

There were some more intelligent reactions from other officials, but unfortunately they are not the ones with great influence. Let us pray for better leaders, and let us pray not merely for peace, but that the blood of those killed and maimed today will be properly avenged.

Until then we should not want peace even if it is genuinely offered to us.

The $2000 Shidduch

Appears in this week's 5 Towns Jewish Times with minor variations.

Chananya


The $2000 Shidduch

By Chananya Weissman

By now you have likely heard about an initiative that has cropped up in several Jewish communities, including Baltimore, Queens, and Toronto. Essentially, if one introduces a single woman over the age of 23 from the community to the person she marries, he will receive a $2000 reward, in addition to the often large sum of money matchmakers typically receive from the individuals or their parents.

I first wrote about this 3 years ago in a Jewish Press article shortly after the original initiative was launched by the Star K in Baltimore. The article can be found at http://www.jewishpress.com/pageroute.do/30755, and, sadly, is just as timely today.

Let us nevertheless revisit the issue; just as the community continues to regurgitate this terrible idea, we must continue to oppose it on logical and moral grounds.

Consider the following: the predominant way for Orthodox Jewish singles to meet nowadays is through introductions, often by people on the fringes of their life taking a clumsy, haphazard stab at a mitzvah, or by so-called "professional" shadchanim who make a business out of it (though no less clumsy and haphazard in their methods).

This method of meeting has become so dominant in the Orthodox community that people in a relationship are usually no longer asked how they met, but who set them up; it is simply taken for granted that they were set up by someone, so few are the opportunities in our society for singles to meet any other way. In fact, an entire generation has been raised in this culture, so that many Orthodox singles have been mis-informed from an early age that this is the "traditional" way, the best way, or the only way.

As a result, these singles do not even WANT more natural meeting opportunities, and are highly uncomfortable in these settings. Young singles today are so socially handicapped that they are incapable of succeeding in normal social settings, and thus require shadchanim as crutches. It would take another generation of proper education simply to enable young singles to once again succeed in social situations.

So, those in favor of shadchanus as THE way for singles to meet have conquered a generation. They have won, at least for now, and they have run of the show. Singles flock to shadchanim as their primary, if not only way to meet a potential spouse, and would neither want nor be able to handle a normal social situation, such as a wedding meal with mixed company.

Concurrently, we have also witnessed what is commonly referred to as a "shidduch crisis": tens of thousands of singles who are having unprecedented difficulty getting married. We know of nothing like this in our history as a people. This crisis, however one wishes to define it, cuts through all communal and demographic lines (contrary to the claims of the elitist kollel-centric and chassidic communities, which have a problem ever admitting they have a problem -- and that the problem is them).

In addition, we have an unprecedented increase in divorces and, presumably, shalom bayis issues. So even those who do get married are having a very difficult time creating happy and stable Jewish homes. Those who simply point to the number of people getting married without looking beyond the chuppa are being very shortsighted.

Any logical person would immediately relate the heavy reliance on shadchanim, which is a departure from how prior generations met socially, with the concurrent problems in the shidduch world. It may not be a complete explanation (and indeed it is far from it), but one cannot ignore the likelihood that these items are strongly related. Yet, somehow, our community has done just that.

Any logical person would say that if shadchanim are the predominant way for singles to meet, and singles are meeting in far fewer numbers than ever before, then shadchanim by and large are a colossal failure. Yet, somehow, our community has not drawn this conclusion. On the contrary, our mindless pundits typically say things like "everyone should think of all the single boys and girls they know and try to set them up", as if more of what isn't working is what we need to solve the problem.

Let me emphasize that I am not opposed to third-party introductions as a method for singles to meet, nor am I opposed to the idea of someone getting paid for the service (though I find it somewhat unsavory). What I am opposed to is the following:

1) Shadchanus is the dominant way for Orthodox singles to meet, and in some communities there is no other option. Even singles who meet on their own, in spite of all the barriers purposely erected to prevent such a thing from ever happening, are expected to find a shadchan after they have already met to set them up after the fact and thereby kasher the meeting.

Considering how ineffective shadchanim typically are and how vastly superior other methods of meeting can and would be, shadchanim should neither be the only address for singles nor even the first address. Singles should not explore other methods only once they are older and perhaps desperate. That's when they should first consider shadchanim.

2) Shadchanim get a free ride to be incompetent, woefully ineffective, and trample on the basic dignity that is the right of all human beings.

Shadchanim hit the jackpot for every "success", however remote, yet they suffer no consequence even if they fail hundreds of times -- even those who win the Lottery still had to pay for their ticket!

Shadchanim take credit for every match, yet assume no blame or responsibility for when it doesn't work out; that is all the fault of the singles.

Shadchanim lie, exaggerate, manipulate, and gossip. That is considered normal behavior for this "profession"; people expect it and are actually shocked, maybe even suspicious, if a shadchan doesn't behave in this fashion.

Shadchanim treat singles like commodities with price tags attached to them, not as human beings involved in a highly personal search who deserve respect and sensitivity. Singles with higher values are treated with more respect; those with lesser values are treated like cheap garbage, if even dealt with at all.

The shadchan is a revered and feared person. The shadchan is typically successful less than 1% of the time, yet is still considered an extremely wise person. The shadchan has no training or professional qualifications to speak of, is held to no professional standards, and is accountable to no one -- yet shadchanim are referred to as professionals.

I have often wondered if a monkey setting up singles entirely at random would be any less successful than the typical shadchan. If you had to bet your life on one of them getting it right more often, would you choose the shadchan without even thinking about it? If you would hesitate for even a moment, I need say nothing more.

Somehow, in spite of all this, we now have this $2000 incentive to encourage more people to set up more singles. Does this $2000 prize encourage more thoughtful and careful matchmaking? No, just the opposite. It encourages more clumsy and haphazard matchmaking, more blindfolded shots with hopes of somehow striking a bulls-eye. It encourages even more manipulation of singles to get them to say yes and keep on saying yes, regardless of the long-term consequences. It encourages shadchanim to focus even more on the singles with the greatest perceived value. And it encourages more people with no idea what they are doing and no regard for the people they are affecting to give it a whirl. All for the mitzvah, of course.

In short, this idea is both illogical and highly immoral.

If those who wanted a chance at the reward had to register every introduction with the committee behind the money and pay a nominal fee of $10 (a la Zevi's matchmaking idea on the EndTheMadness web site), do you think there would be such a stampede to set singles up? On the contrary, there would be outrage that our pristine, holy, hard-working shadchanim are being asked to invest even a token amount of money. After all, they are slaving away for countless hours, neglecting their own needs, and paying astronomical phone bills, all to help singles. So the baloney goes.

Most shadchanim barely know even the most superficial facts about the people they set up, they don't even WANT to get to know them better, they have no idea what they are doing, and they get paid enormous sums of money if they make a match in spite of themselves. Every professional is expected to invest some money in their professions, but broach the idea to our intrepid shadchanim and you'll get quite an earful!

If you think about it, contributing $10 per introduction to the fund is a pittance. If the shadchan gets it right 0.5% of the time -- once every 200 attempts -- he breaks even, and if he gets it right more than that he makes a great deal of money. Shouldn't we expect shadchanim to get it right even 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't shadchanim believe in themselves that they will get it right 0.5% of the time? Shouldn't singles be able to trust that the suggestion has a 0.5% chance of being worthwhile? And shouldn't shadchanim who CAN'T get it right 0.5% of the time be weeded out of the system?

Yes to all of the above. But we all know that shadchanim would never go for it and will cover up their own failures with moral outrage. The community would never go for it because the community cannot face the fact that shadchanim are a colossal failure and the system needs a complete overhaul, values and all.

Even singles do not want to believe the truth. They will subjugate themselves to the system with hopes that they will be one of the fortunate ones, and will sooner pray at ten cemeteries than consider a better way. True hishtadlus is deader than the people in those cemeteries.

This $2000 initiative is doomed to fail. It is illogical and immoral. It only perpetuates and encourages the wrong sort of matchmaking.

Do not be blinded by the boasts of "x" number of shidduchim that come from this initiative. Look at the big picture. Look at the values behind the idea and the behavior it validates and perpetuates. Look at the tremendous price that will be paid by singles being burned for every "successful" shidduch.

Those in our community who are sane, thinking people with proper Torah values must oppose this effort and all efforts like it, and instead promote a better way. If you want things to change, you need to change them. If bad ideas like this initiative can catch on and stick around for so many years, imagine what could be if more people devoted themselves to good ideas.

If you believe this message needs to be heard, please forward this to others and consider what else you can do to promote the proper values and help create a better way for singles.

A Tribute from the Shuk Curmudgeon

If you are one of the following people, you get a special discount in the Machane Yehuda Shuk. Or so you would think from the great numbers of them crowding the market. Forthwith, a tribute of sorts to them.

Old people walking very slowly, often accompanied by a shopping cart that swerves to block all those who attempt to pass. I like old people. I think they should be let out now and then. Like Tuesday mornings. Not Friday afternoon in the shuk.

Tourist standing around taking pictures of fruit and fresh fish. Apparently these people come from places that do not have such things. I suggest going to Stop & Shop and take your pictures there. Then you will not be in my way.

Do you see those other tourists with their cameras and dorky outfits? Why are you so careful to take pictures in which other tourists are not obstructing the fruit? Because those tourists are really not that interesting and you don't wish to see them again? Well that is how I feel about you.

Lady with baby carriage! Lady with double baby carriage! Do you realize that you are blocking the entire way? Just checking.

Lady with children who are playing on the ground! They are in everyone's way. They are causing a bottleneck as people swerve to avoid stepping on them. Some of these people are instead stepping on me. Who authorized you to have children, let alone bring them here on a Friday afternoon to disturb everyone? Do you think this is a shul? Show some respect!

You there, walking your bicycle! Do you think you are doing something good for the environment by riding here on your bicycle and then walking it through a throng of people? You sure aren't doing any favors for THIS environment. You should go over to that girl who brought her elephant-sized dog to the shuk today. You have a lot in common. You both take up too much space and make me sick.

No, I don't want a piece of halva. I want you to get out my way!

Hey, lady! Do you really have to block the entire pile of plums while you take forever to count your change, gather your belongings, and move on? Can't you do exactly the same thing a little off to the side so someone else can also make a purchase?

Speaking of making a purchase, typical Israeli shuk man, you screamed to the world that we absolutely had to come take a look at your apples, which are supposedly better than everyone else's apples, yet cheaper too. I thought I would humor you, because that's the sort of fellow I am. Now I am ready to pay for the apples, but you are not even acknowledging me, let alone taking my money. What is wrong with you? You got what you wanted. You hooked me in. You made the sale. But now you are in your own little world, completely disinterested in actually consummating the deal. You make people want you, and then you play hard to get? Is this all some kind of sick game to you?

I will concede that 5 shekels for 10 pitas is a good deal, but you don't have to shout at me.

All you people yammering on your cell phones as you block pedestrians and bounce off them like a pinball gone mad...I have no witty line that adequately addresses you. You are outside the pale.

Same goes for you clusters of people standing around having social conversations smack in the middle of traffic. Have you no manners? Have you no shame? Have you no awareness of the existence and needs of anyone with the misfortune to have the trajectory of his life intersect with yours in the middle of the shuk? Clearly not.

Little seminary girls thinking you own the place. Laughing it up. Showing off the four Hebrew words you know. Totally unaware that no Israeli refers to the Central Bus Station as "The Tachana" and that you sound like a moron every time you say that. Totally unaware that you say "like" so obsessively that you need treatment. It used to be a novelty to have you here. But not hundreds and thousands of you. Don't any of you yeshiva students actually, like, you know, LEARN anymore?

You there, yes you, lady, smack in the middle of Broadway! If you weren't humongous, it would be enough for us. If you didn't take up all 3 pedestrian lanes by positioning yourself just so, making it impossible to pass you, it would be enough for us. If you didn't have two rear ends, it would be enough for us. If your two rear ends didn't swing back and forth, making it treacherous for all decent folk to even consider passing you, it would be enough for us. And if you didn't keep stopping and standing still for no reason, but just kept moving, however slowly, it would be enough for us.

How much more so that you are humongous, you take up all 3 pedestrian lanes, you have two rear ends, your two rear ends swing back and forth, and you keep standing still. Dayenu.

No, I don't want a slice of tangerine.

Wait a second, is that seedless? On second thought, I'll take two.

Hey Arab guy pushing a huge wheeling thing right through the shuk! This street isn't big enough for us to coexist. I can't give you one single inch.

And here's another guy pushing a huge wheeling thing full of garbage! Hey, you missed a piece!

And here we have an Israeli guy singing an ode to the strawberries he is selling: "Strawberries, strawberries! Also cheap and also nice!" You have quite a future ahead of you. Selling strawberries in the shuk.

I propose to the management of the shuk that they take measures to eliminate the suffocating crowds of people who make the shopping experience insufferable. Maybe an express lane...or a slow lane...or a special lane for efficient shoppers who are mindful of others.

For that is me. And, with proper training, perhaps thee.

The Barber

"Zilzalta ba'se'ar shelcha."

So said the barber to me. You've disregarded your hair.

I've always enjoyed getting a haircut. I find it very relaxing to close my eyes while the barber does his thing. I also think barbers are some of the more interesting people out there. Seriously, if you want to have an interesting conversation with someone from a given profession, a barber would be one of the better choices.

Speaking of that, before I get to the actual story, I'm going to go off on a long tangent. Bear with me. Just for fun, here's a list of some of the most interesting and least interesting people by profession to just shmooze with. I'm only including people from mainstream professions that regular people have easy access to; I'm sure clowns, astronauts, leaders of countries, and drug lords would all be interesting people to shmooze with, for example, but let's keep this real.

This is also not meant to be an exhaustive list, and is obviously going to be based on generalizations, so if that is likely to offend you feel free to scroll down to the story below, or read it anyway and be offended. Just don't tell me about it.

People who are likely to be interesting:

1) Barbers

Barbers come into personal contact with a wide range of people in a setting that lends itself to conversation. Having a good personality and being a good conversationalist are actually vital to this profession, though it's not something one immediately realizes. You'd think you just want someone who can give you the right "do" and not accidentally slice your neck, but haircutting can be pretty sensitive and personal, and intuition here can be vital. Barbers are therefore often extremely talented and intelligent people, even though no Jewish mother brags about her son, the barber.

Barbers also tend to eke out a meager living doing something they have a flair for that is underrated and often not all that pleasant. I certainly respect that.

2) Taxi and bus drivers

They also come into contact with a wide range of people, their work may take them near and far, and they also possess unnoticed talents that far transcend the job description. There's a lot more to it than just driving, and someone who does this kind of work long-term is very likely to have an interesting personality. Anyone who works hard at an under-appreciated job that requires a range of skills probably does.

3) Bartenders

Not that I would know.

4) Waiters / Restaurant Servers

This is far from a sure thing, but worth mentioning. It might be a sullen college kid looking to make a few bucks. But it can also be a really cool person who loves a lousy job and makes the whole experience more fun for everyone.


People who are not likely to be interesting:

1) Lawyers and others in the legal profession

These people must be masters at finding creative ways to show that they are right and other people are wrong, and must be successful at that a high percentage of the time. They're wired this way, and can't leave that personality at the office. Great if you need legal help, not great at the dinner table. They are also generally obsessed with their jobs, and thus have little to discuss besides their cases. So their stories might be interesting, but as people they aren't.

2) Wall Street Corporate Types

Consumed by their jobs and driven to get ahead, make it, impress the man, ultimately be the man, and ultimately be able to hang out with high society instead of with you. They have strange ideas about why some people succeed and others don't and have few opinions or morals that they would not readily discard to climb the next rung on the ladder. These guys aren't called empty suits for nothing. Everyone is just an angle for them, and since they may always be trying to sell you something now or soften you up for a sale down the road, you can never fully trust that they are being real with you.

3) Web Designers

Generally think they are smarter than everyone else, and generally get fixated on very small things. Great if you have a bug with your program, not great to hang out with.

4) Life Coaches

I wasn't born too long ago, but there weren't any life coaches back then. It seems more people have messed up lives than before, and their lives are messed up in more ways than before, so now we have a cottage industry of professionally messed up people to coach you on how to not be like them. Or something like that. These people are always marketing themselves -- always. They habitually use words like "empowerment" and other fashionable buzzwords that thankfully escape me to push a fancy-sounding ideology that isn't really all that sophisticated.

Life coaches also tend to be very young, which makes me wonder why, if this is a real profession, the real life coaches aren't people who, you know, have successfully made it through most of life. Do you really want some young new-age slick-talker coaching you, or a grizzled veteran of this world whose best years are behind him and really knows what it's all about? In other words, your barber is probably a better life coach, and he won't charge anything extra for the advice.

Which brings me back to my story. I've been meaning to get a haircut for a couple of weeks, but pushed it off some days, and other times the usual places I like to go near the shuk were closed. (Yes, I tend to be drawn to little barber shops that no Jewish mother would be caught dead in.) I was outside the Old City today late in the afternoon and was wavering between going to town and getting that haircut and just going home and pushing it off yet again until next week.

Suddenly I noticed a little barbershop right next to me on the corner across the street from the Old City walls. It really was a dingy little place that was very easy to miss despite being passed by countless people every day. The outside of the shop was not prominently marked, the lights weren't turned on, and everything about the place was as ancient as the walls across the street, including the lone barber and the customer in one of three chairs. I squeezed my way past them and sat down, grateful to have found such an appealing barber shop right when I wanted one. Everything should be this easy.

The barber was an old man with a very genial personality, and I wondered about him. Here he was in prime real estate running an ancient, decrepit barber shop, probably servicing only a handful of equally old men from who-knows-where. In the back of the shop behind a partition I spotted a bed with blankets on it, and I wondered if the guy made his home there as well. He can't possibly make much, and could probably sell the place to a real estate developer for a princely sum, but he probably lives to cut people's hair and run the little shop. I find this fascinating.

He carried on a steady conversation with the other customer, but when it was my turn there was little exchange, largely because I'm not confident enough with my Hebrew to make simple conversation. A pity, because I really got my money's worth anyway.

"Zilzalta ba'se'ar shelcha." You've disregarded your hair. Out of the blue, most of the way through the haircut. I opened my eyes and looked into the mirror.

And then he gently let me have it. No quotation marks, since this isn't verbatim, but this is what he said: If you want a plant to grow well you have to cut it regularly. Same thing with hair. Some of your hair has fallen out in the front because you haven't cut your hair in 2 or 3 months. Chaval. I've been cutting hair for 60 years. You have good hair. Your hair in the side and in the back is very good hair, will last you until 120.

It was true. I'd gotten my last haircut right before the 3 weeks, about two months ago. My hair in the front had thinned some time before that, but the last few years I'd started to get haircuts every eight weeks or so instead of every four. I thought I didn't need to get haircuts more often, and that it didn't grow back as fast as it used to anyway. What did I know about plants?

I asked him how often I should get my hair cut. Every month?

Initially he thought I asked something else (maybe my Hebrew was unclear) and he started to tell me about how he took over the shop from his brother. That probably would have been interesting, but I was a desperate man and I interrupted to ask the question again.

Every forty days or fifty days, he said.

I asked with feeble hope if there was any way the hair that had fallen out would grow back. No luck. But he said what I still have (which is a lot!) will remain. I believe him, too.

He resumed the haircut and I closed my eyes again, grateful for the knowledge. At one point he quietly sang "If I forget you, Jerusalem" for a few seconds.

All that for only 35 shekels. I look forward to going back. In forty days.

The Juk

When the meraglim brought back an evil report about Israel they talked about giant fruits, giant cities, and giant people. What they really should have reported if they wanted to frighten the people was the giant cockroaches known as jukim. New York has nothing on Israeli cockroaches.

What's most impressive to me about jukim is that they are deceptively fast, like linebackers on steroids. You'd expect a cockroach that big to be an easy kill, but I found out the first time I tried to whack one that you usually get just one swing, and if you miss, you've struck out. The juk will be gone, disappearing into some crack or crevice a fraction of its size (this is what the Gemara means when it talks about a place containing much more than its physical area; even the bugs here live on miracles).

Last night I was minding my own business, trusting that you could mind yours without me, when I spotted a juk on my kitchen floor, midway between my front door and a wall. I instinctively reached for an empty 1.5 liter plastic bottle.

Time froze in that instant. The juk and I sized each other up, knowing that we would not coexist, could not coexist, engaged in a stalemate that could not last. Without making much of a move lest I prompt my adversary into an early retreat, I glanced around for a better weapon, something with a wider range, yet with sufficient punch to kill, and also dispensable, but found none. It would be the slim plastic bottle.

The juk didn't move in those seconds, knowing an attack would be forthcoming and waiting for me to make my move so he would know which way to dash. I waited as well, thinking the juk might crack and just make a run for it one way or the other. If I swung at the wrong moment I was almost certain to miss, and the juk would likely be gone before I could strike again. And I didn't want to gamble that he would be gone inside my apartment instead of out through the narrow opening underneath my door. The tension was extreme.

I advanced toward my target, slowly, carefully, poised to strike if the juk moved. Then it all happened at once. The juke scurried left toward the wall and I swung in that same instant, scoring a direct hit. Crunch! The juk was down and I poised to strike again in case there was any movement, but there was none. I was doubly pleased to see that there was no mess of blood and guts. It was a very clean kill.

Disposing of the body was no pleasant task, since I did not want to come into even indirect contact with the thing. I decided to sweep him out into the hall of my basement apartment, and brushed him all the way down the hall, figuring the corpse could be relocated at a later time if needed. Hopefully the cleaning people would get rid of him, or he might decompose quickly, or some other bugs might feast on him, perhaps even take his presence as a warning. At that moment I just wanted him out and far away. Dead juks are far less urgent to me than live ones.

This morning I woke up for an early minyan and noticed that the dead juk was no longer there. No one else lives down here, and few ever traverse the hall. It was very unlikely that in those few hours someone had passed by and decided to remove the dead juk, or that an army of other bugs had eaten it or carried it away for burial.

That left one likely possibility: I had failed to deliver a final blow after all. Like any number of cheap horror movies, and against all appearances, I had failed to finish off the monster.

I hope there is some other explanation. But for now I can only dread the possibility that this little contest -- nay, this nightmare -- may not be over.

Independence Day in Exile

I'm fond of saying that it will be easier for me celebrate Yom Ha'atzma'ut when Israel becomes an independent country.

There is no era since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash in which I would rather live than this one. While I definitely miss the true leadership and Gadlus of former times that is absent -- yes, absent -- in this generation, I don't pine for the shtetl, and I don't think I would have been able to adapt to living through pogroms, famines, plagues, and extreme persecution, which characterized most of the last 2000+ years of our history. Nope, I definitely wouldn't trade places.

That said, I have a very difficult time getting emotionally wrapped up in Yom Ha'atzma'ut. I abhor the Israeli government, but I am extremely grateful to live in Israel and equally abhor the fact that supposedly religious Jews can view living here as anything other than an incredible miracle and blessing. I see no dichotomy in celebrating the existence and achievements of this country while yearning for more authentic Jewish leadership. So it isn't anti-Zionism or ingratitude that makes it hard for me to get "into" Yom Ha'atzma'ut.

It's knowing that we are still very much in exile.

We cannot pray in our holiest place, and are prevented from doing so by fellow Jews, lest Arabs riot and the world condemn us for causing the trouble.

We cannot build homes without negotiating with other countries. Those who renovate their porch without the approval of the anti-Semitic president of a foreign country are liable to have it bulldozed by special forces. Jewish ones.

We drag Jews out of their homes and destroy thousands of lives just so we can prove to the anti-Semites that we are willing to do anything to be liked by them. Conversely, we are not willing to flex much at all so that we can get along better with our fellow Jews.

Churches and mosques receive greater protection here than shuls. If those other religions are offended it's bad news for us. If our religion is offended, well, we can take it.

Our soldiers are neutered and sent on needlessly perilous missions to minimize casualties to the enemy. After all, the world doesn't like when our enemies suffer casualties, so better for our people to take the hit and spare ourselves the condemnation.

Soldiers and citizens who defend themselves from attacks are liable to be harshly prosecuted. The knife has to be just half an inch from their throat before they use force, and even then only minimal force. If it's a full inch away they have to exercise "restraint" and call for help. Or run. It's okay to run.

I can go on, but you get the point. Tisha B'av still resonates with me very well. I'm having a hard time getting the hang of celebrating independence. It requires shutting out far too much.

When the second Beis Hamikdash was dedicated there was quite a celebration. But not everyone celebrated. And the reason why they didn't celebrate wasn't because they were ungrateful, anti-Zionist, or otherwise askew. They simply COULDN'T celebrate, because they knew.

The people who didn't celebrate were the old Jews who remembered the first Beis Hamikdash. That exile, after all, was only 70 years, so there were plenty of people who lived to see both Batei Mikdash. As glamorous as the second structure was, it paled in comparison to what remained lost -- only most people didn't feel it even if they knew it. What was to others a cause for great celebration -- after all, it was far better than being slaves in Bavel -- was to the elders a cheap substitute, and cause for tears. This wasn't redemption...not REAL redemption. And as grateful as they surely were to have something resembling redemption, something that was a major upgrade over the recent past, they couldn't shake the knowledge that the exile was still very real.

That is why I cannot really get into Yom Ha'atzma'ut. I never saw anything better than what we have today, and I can't adequately express how grateful I am not to have experienced anything worse. In a generation that is still less than a century removed from the Holocaust I can't blame anyone for celebrating Yom Ha'atzma'ut with nothing but joy. We really do have a lot to be grateful for.

But if one is truly sensitive to what redemption is supposed to look like, what independence is supposed to look like, and what true Jewish life is supposed to look like, it feels almost as guilty to celebrate this day too much as it would to not care for it at all.

I look forward to the true Yom Ha'atzma'ut: when we can thank Hashem wherever we want, when we can build wherever we want, when we can travel without fear anywhere in our land, and when our enemies know that if they raise a hand to throw a rock at us they will never get a chance to throw it.

Now THAT calls for a barbecue.

Making Shul a Mikdash Me'at

There was something very striking about the otherwise pedestrian Sunday-morning shacharis minyan I attended today: at no point was the service disturbed by the ringing (or singing) of a communication device.

What's most striking about this is that it was striking.

Women who do not normally attend shul during the week may be startled to learn that it has become entirely the norm for cell phones to ring multiple times during davening. In fact, it has become fairly normal for the SAME cell phone to ring multiple times during davening (after the first time it can't be due to forgetfulness), and even for the owner to take the call.

[I have yet to decide if it's a greater slap in the face to God to leave shul to talk on the telephone or to stay put. From a standpoint of etiquette for the others trying to daven, obviously one should minimize his sin by leaving the room. But it sure doesn't look nice when someone makes a public display of walking out on God, rejecting a conversation with the Almighty so he can have one with someone else.]

Anyhow, this got me thinking about something that I think about often, since the topic is thrown in my face three times a day: our communal prayer services are often a disgrace, and generally unbearable besides. Mind you, I'm NOT criticizing the institution of communal prayer services nor the standardized format that has been instituted, but the manner in which we bring this institution to life.

If you weren't Jewish and you attended pretty much any shul, would you be impressed? Would you be inspired? Would you want to go back and experience it again? Would you want to teach your children to connect to God just like that?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I'd love to know why, and where you daven.

The average daily minyan has one or more of the following significant blemishes every single time:

1) Starting time arrives, but davening doesn't start. Instead everyone looks at everyone else waiting for someone to step up and lead the davening. Maybe a Gabbai, or an ad hoc Gabbai, runs around asking, cajoling, and negotiating with various people to daven. He receives all manner of negative responses, some of which openly denigrate the important and venerable task of representing the tzibur in communal prayer. We've already sabotaged our offering to God and we haven't even started yet.

2) Starting time arrives and someone, perhaps grudgingly and with some fanfare as if he's taking one for the team and deserves a parade in his honor, agrees to lead at least part of the davening. But davening still doesn't begin. They're waiting for the rav to arrive.

The Gemara states that at the appointed time for communal prayer God visits the shul, and if they don't start He gets disgusted and leaves them. Never mind that. Never mind also that they are leaving aside the kavod of Shamayim in favor of kavod for basar v'dam. Never mind also that the tzibur is being unfairly burdened due to the lateness of an individual -- albeit a dignified one -- and Chazal were very sensitive about that. Never mind any of that.

They wait, all due to misplaced kavod for a rav -- kavod that oftentimes is not manifest in situations where it SHOULD be.

3) For 10-15 minutes the tzibur suffers listening to a ba'al tefilla who doesn't know how to read Hebrew, is either far too fast or far too slow, has an unpleasant voice, may be difficult to follow, and may make serious mistakes in the basic seder ha'tefilla. At the end of pesuka d'zimra he has enough and departs, and another waiting game ensues until a replacement steps forward to save the day. The replacement is not necessarily an upgrade.

4) The davening may be moving along at a reasonable pace, but grinds to a halt upon reaching Sh'ma. The rav, who until now had no difficulty keeping pace, suddenly needs 3 times the amount of time of everyone else to recite the Sh'ma. Why? Because that's part of the social expectations of a rav -- to at least pretend to have more kavana than everyone else.

But since it would be a tircha for him to have more kavana for the whole davening, we allow him to just have move kavana by Sh'ma and Sh'moneh Esrei. This is an entirely unspoken understanding, but it's just about universal.

Now, obviously, it is impossible to know how much kavanah a person has when he davens. It's an entirely internal and personal thing. But in our society, which places such a premium on appearing frum, we have to demonstrate having kavanah by taking more time, being loud at times, and making intense physical gestures. That's how we separate the men from the boys when it comes to davening.

So the rav makes a point of being the slowest when it comes to Sh'ma and letting everyone know when he's done, thereby a) usurping the ba'al tefilla, whose job it is to set the pace of the davening, b) disturbing his own kavana by worrying about being slow enough, and c) disturbing everyone else's kavana by being a tircha. Again, this is just about universal. Happens twice a day, every day, at the two most critical junctures of the davening. Wrap your Da'as Torah around that.

5) The moment the silent Sh'moneh Esrei begins, as if on cue, someone will start sneezing or coughing uncontrollably and/or a cell phone will blast an abominable ringtone or a circus tune. I'm willing to bet it isn't God on the other end answering our tefillos. He left long ago.

6) Shnorrers will invade the premises and start hustling people for money. This will happen during Sh'ma, chazaras hashatz, or whenever. They will even hustle the ba'al tefilla during chazaras hashatz; anything goes. In some shuls the davening will be hijacked at a certain point (such as before the second Ashrei or before Aleinu) so someone, birshus harav, can give his sales pitch for his yeshiva in distress or that family with 10 orphans, 3 of whom are getting married next week and can't put food on the table (sorry, I've gotten cynical about these sales pitches).

There's a time and a place for all mitzvos, collecting tzedaka for legitimate and worthy causes most definitely included. But not in the middle of davening.

7) If the Torah is being read it will probably be read most improperly. If the ba'al koreh gets most of the words right, doesn't butcher the trop too badly, knows where most of the pesukim end, reads audibly and somewhat clearly, and doesn't have too unpleasant a voice, the tzibur should consider itself very fortunate.

8) The aliyos might be auctioned off, in which case the davening is further stretched by unnecessary interruptions and further de-sanctified.

9) Weekday shacharis will typically take 30-40 minutes. Various mi she'beirachs will extend the total time by about 5 minutes -- nearly 20 percent! If the tzibur isn't restless by now and can muster even a smidgen of spiritual connection it is a group of saints.

10) Shabbos davening will typically include a drasha that is long, repetitious, and uninspiring. I have yet to meet the tzibur that is disappointed when the rav is out of town and there is no drasha. Why do most shuls continue to have drashos that extend the davening by 10 percent or more? Because it's another one of those unwritten rules.

If they are lucky, once in a while the drasha will be truly educational and inspiring. Generally, though, it will be insipid, and if it leads to discussion the discussion is likely to consist primarily of lashon hara denigrating the drasha and the rav. I guess this is how they make up for waiting for him and his Sh'ma.

11) Shabbos davening will have long, boring announcements where the president of the shul tries to be witty. Your cost? Another 5 percent to the davening time. Admit it: you just want to get out of there. Not exactly the feeling we are supposed to have after a prayer service.

12) Little kids will cry in shul, make noise in shul, and run around shul disturbing people. This is not chinuch, this isn't hak'hel, and shul is not a day care center. Children who cannot respect the environment do not belong in shul, and parents who have no other way to attend shul should daven at home. Their presence is a net loss to the tzibur, and they have no right to take away from the ability of others to daven properly just so they can be there. Same goes for people with hacking coughs and those who feel that they must have their cell phone on at all times.

I cannot imagine any child sitting through all this and coming to the realization that -- yes! -- Judaism is engaging, interesting, inspiring, and something he wants to participate in as much as possible. More likely, it is an insufferable bore that he learns to tolerate like everyone else and will pay some degree of outward homage to so he can better fit in with his society. This is what we are teaching our children.

We are fond of noting that we don't have a Bais Hamikdash today because Jews mistreat and scorn one another for no good reason. That's true. But, honestly, if you were God and you saw how most people treated the Mikdash Me'at, would you be quick to give them a bigger, better Mikdash? What would be the sense in that?

Davening is difficult for most people most of the time. We are reciting words written by other people, sticking to a standardized format, and trying to connect to them and to God. Nothing against the words or the format (the former are infused with kedusha and the latter is probably the best we can do), but it isn't always easy for that to translate to a meaningful experience.

It's also much easier to ruin a spiritual atmosphere than to create one. It really doesn't take much at all. So considering how difficult it is for an individual to connect to the davening and how easy it is to foil the attempt, the way our shuls function essentially dooms us from having a positive spiritual experience.

Note as well that I speak nothing about how much singing there is or other artificial things that a particular shul might do to make davening more "meaningful" or "participatory". The effectiveness of these things is highly variable and will only work for some personalities in any case. What I'm talking about is the unnecessary NEGATIVE, entirely thoughtless things that go on almost all the time that detract from the davening.

Davening should be streamlined. Leading the davening should be recognized as an honor and a tremendous responsibility, and those who are offered and accept the task should know how to do it properly. Same goes with reading the Torah -- this is not a democracy where everyone gets a chance just because they feel like it. This is a vital communal event and a public offering to God. Those who lead it should be people who represent the tzibur properly and favorably. If not many people are so qualified, we should institute community-wide remedial educational programs to rectify this. This should be recognized as a big problem that demands a solution.

Priority should be placed on creating an environment that is comfortable and allows for people to have a spiritual experience. This is not something that can come externally from the shul (though positive elements in how the davening is performed can certainly facilitate a spiritual experience) but something that must come from within the individual. Nevertheless, shul should not be a place that makes it difficult for one to have a spiritual experience or, God forbid, create a negative one.

The main thing for people to keep in mind is that shul is God's domain, a mikdash me'at. It is not your home, it is not your office, and it is not your spiritual laboratory. It's not about you. It's about serving Hashem and petitioning him both individually and as part of a community. This must be done on God's terms and in a fashion that is in harmony with the needs of others present. Hence, there is no place for cell phones, talking, unruly children, unnecessary delays, or illiterate ba'alei tefilla and ba'alei keriya. Again, it's not about you or me, but about all of us and how we serve Hashem together.

Maybe one day as a society we will create environments in shul that are highly conducive to positive spiritual experiences. For now, let's at least not create environments that make such experiences all but impossible. Maybe, just maybe, our efforts will help make us worthy of building the real Mikdash.

Pesach Madness - Post Your Product!

In honor of Pesach, I'm asking readers to submit the wackiest "Kosher La'Pesach" products they've come across this year. I don't have anything special to submit at this time, personally, though I can begin the roster with Kosher La'Pesach napkins, courtesy of Badatz in Jerusalem. So in case you were thinking of ingesting napkins this year, you're covered.

What else is out there?

Just trying to help

I have an article coming out soon called "Sinning Against Singles" that elaborates on how individuals and the community at large sin against singles in ways that are obvious and not so obvious. In general, the faulty and negative attitudes people have toward singles, and the comments they make which unwittingly reflect this, often far outweigh their attempts to "help".

Yesterday I announced an upcoming ETM Shabbaton in Israel, and a well-meaning woman forwarded it around (trying to help) with the following message (not helpful): "Do you know any older single people to go to this shabbaton?"

We engaged in the following correspondence. I've highlighted the remarks that are unwittingly offensive and reflect very faulty attitudes that will cause more harm than good in her efforts to "help" singles, following by my remarks in italics (these were not included in the correspondence):

CTW: I don't understand this email you sent me. The age range is up to 35.

Plonis: I was trying to help you - you posted this up to 35 is older singles to me.
is that what you dont understand? (I thought I would get a thankyou, sorry if I interfered)

CTW: At what age is a single old in your opinion?

Plonis: I said 'older' not 'old'. I'm referring to post highschool/yeshiva/army singles I suppose. I realize that perhaps it might be considered offensive and I'm sorry, but I sent this out to my friends hoping they have that person who is still searching (as opposed to just starting to search). I dont think the 19/20 yr olds (males) need to go to something like this. Let the 'older' young men and women have a chance to find their beshert. I would say 'older' means 25 and up? [It's not your place to decide at what age people should have an opportunity to meet someone, as if this is triage of sorts. If the 19/20 year olds are ready to get married, and they are fortunate enough to meet someone while they are so young, all the better. Limiting their opportunities in favor of others only increases the likelihood that they will become "older singles".]

Chananya, it is done so please forgive me. What other term would you have suggested.
We do what we can to help singles and I find that "older' singles get a bit too touchy about their status. [I can only imagine why!]

I was 30 when I finally married, and had a horrible time finding "the one" - and have been married for 26 years B"H - so I AM GRATEFULL for having had the opportunity. All you singles s/b hopeful and grateful for the opportunity as well. [Rather preachy and condescending] good luck

CTW: Everyone is older than someone else.

I would have recommended just forwarding it as is and letting people decide for themselves if they are appropriate to attend. This is also not an event for people who are desperate and need a chance to find their bashert. People who put that kind of pressure on the event will not have a good time or be good company, and I would prefer they not attend, regardless of how old they are.

I've attached an article of mine that you might find interesting, if not helpful.

Thanks for passing the word along about the event.

Feminism's Impact on the Shidduch World

Very interesting discussion going on in the Madness Watch thread of the EndTheMadness bulletin board (www.endthemadness.org) regarding the changed values and attitudes women are bringing into the dating process.

The discussion is based on a study conducted by a secular woman which found that women as a societal trend have become incredibly quick to reject men for all manner of trivial reasons, while men tend to be far more magnanimous and reasonable. The women then rationalize and complain that there just aren't enough good guys out there, while in reality they are rejecting good guys for all sorts of trivial and nonsensical reasons. (The article can be found at http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/02/24/lori.gottlieb.marry.him/?hpt=Sbin)

This corroborates my own observations about this over the last few years, while the heated objections of a few women to the post on the ETM bulletin board only further validates the findings. I'm not going to reconstruct everything here, but encourage readers to check out this thread (and all the others!) on the ETM bulletin board.

Generally speaking, if a guy finds a girl attractive, intelligent, pleasant to be with, and appreciates her values, he will be EAGER to see her again. If a girl finds the same in a guy, that will most likely not be nearly enough. If something he said, or some mannerism, or some other little thing can be interpreted in a negative way, it's off.

Guys don't go home and psychoanalyze and microanalyze every little thing about the date until they can find something to be concerned about. Girls do. Not all girls, of course; this is obviously a generalization. But there is no question that this is an increasingly prevalent norm, and it's bad news for everyone. (Except girls who don't do this, anyway.)

This is a very real problem, and one that no one in our community seems to acknowledge -- on the contrary, our community has gobbled up the urban myth that there aren't enough good guys, while tending to feel sympathy for single women and antipathy for single men.

In other words, once again, our community's evaluation and reaction to problems in the shidduch world is woefully off-track and counterproductive.